She was taking small steps. Carefully placing each foot on the masking tape line as she took each step while she held onto the rails either side of her that supported some of her weight so the whole effort was even possible.
Mostly there was a look I'd call resigned. I couldn't see the determination behind her eyes that I expected to see as she took each step... Over and over again.
It hurt to watch. I went forward a few months as she walked with a cane. Barely a walk. It was uncomfortable to watch. I thought I could still see resignation - none of the desire to do more that should have been there. There was a moment in one where she jokes with the person filming and I see a spark of personality... Something that I couldn't see in any of the other clips.
I kept going forward to where she walks without the cane and the walk still doesn't look natural. I think about her thoughts that it might be the best she could ever be as the person filming her encourages her to lift her knees just a little more and tells her she's done well.
I cried because I felt the pain, the fear, the darkness, all of the emotions from those experiences when I watched her. She feels like a stranger, a person that doesn't exist anymore that has no bearing on who I am now. It's only now that I see her as a stranger that I feel compassion for her, feel that she is worthy of having someone listen to her fears and share her triumphs.
I'm not even sure how I got to where I was in the last video taken in 2012 to where I am today. What I'm really not sure of is how some of the people who are closest to me haven't noticed the difference.
I'm even more proud of what I've accomplished in the last few months when I look back and see exactly how far I've really come and I wonder where I could be and what I'll see in a few years when I look back at where I am today. I hope I feel joy and strength and know that it is mine and that I am worthy of it.
