Bridge to Brisbane

10k Walk - 2 Hours

I did it - another item off the rehab wish list.  I'm not even sure what to say about the whole event just yet - it needs time to sink in.  

I could probably do anything.

The girl in the video...

I cried for her today as I watched the videos of her learning to walk again. 

She was taking small steps.  Carefully placing each foot on the masking tape line as she took each step while she held onto the rails either side of her that supported some of her weight so the whole effort was even possible.

Mostly there was a look I'd call resigned. I couldn't see the determination behind her eyes that I expected to see as she took each step...  Over and over again.

It hurt to watch.  I went forward a few months as she walked with a cane.  Barely a walk.  It was uncomfortable to watch.  I thought I could still see resignation - none of the desire to do more that should have been there. There was a moment in one where she jokes with the person filming and I see a spark of personality...  Something that I couldn't see in any of the other clips.

I kept going forward to where she walks without the cane and the walk still doesn't look natural.  I think about her thoughts that it might be the best she could ever be as the person filming her encourages her to lift her knees just a little more and tells her she's done well.

I cried because I felt the pain, the fear, the darkness, all of the emotions from those experiences when I watched her.  She feels like a stranger, a person that doesn't exist anymore that has no bearing on who I am now.  It's only now that I see her as a stranger that I feel compassion for her, feel that she is worthy of having someone listen to her fears and share her triumphs.

I'm not even sure how I got to where I was in the last video taken in 2012 to where I am today.  What I'm really not sure of is how some of the people who are closest to me haven't noticed the difference.  

I'm even more proud of what I've accomplished in the last few months when I look back and see exactly how far I've really come and I wonder where I could be and what I'll see in a few years when I look back at where I am today.  I hope I feel joy and strength and know that it is mine and that I am worthy of it.

The longest walk...

So far.

Last night I sent out a few messages to people to say hello, to see how they were doing, some who I haven't spoken to in a while.

I woke up quite early and had a few responses, some from people who were online this morning quite early. (Well early for me for a Sunday).  It's been good to catch up with people, to have a life back and some of the interactions have given me a lot to think about.  About my life.  About the changes that I've made for myself.  About the value of being alive, of being healthy and about having the opportunities to do things like, going for a long walk.

So I did.

I started out thinking that I'd go to a little coffee shop near me.  My local is the one thing that I really miss from living in the city.  It was just an elevator ride and maybe 50 meters.  My new local is about 2.2 km away.

What the hell right?  I can do that on the elliptical, so why shouldn't I be able to do this on the ground.  I have walking shoes and need coffee.  So why not.  I can always call a cab if I feel like I can't make it.  There's bus stops all along the way.  I'm not walking through the desert, I can just roam.  I kind of wonder if I hadn't have had all these health issues whether back packing would have been something that I would have enjoyed.  I'm a little spoilt now and like my own shower and bed in a nice clean somewhat upmarket hotel but I think that I could do the adventure a little more.  There's a whole world out there waiting for me to explore.

I started off quite optimistic.  There were some thoughts that it was a little harder than what I thought it would be when I got to the hills...  that's right - plural.   Calves and glutes burning, I made it there.  I took my time to sit, have coffee, some toast with avo and realised, that it wasn't that far.  I did the check around; ankles - good, knees - good, hips - good; and decided that I didn't think I wanted to go back.

There is freedom in just walking.  Time to think.
Time to just wander and be in my own head and be ok with that.

So I kept going.  Stopped at a friend's place another three or so kilometres down the road.  I detoured through a reserve area that has paved paths through the bush land rather than by the busy roadside in one section.  I was the only person out for most of the way so I got to sing out loud and just enjoy being.

It actually amazes me that I enjoyed it.  It's something that I would have always said that I was too lazy to do.  The reality of it is that I couldn't do it and it was just easier to say that I was lazy and didn't want to.

By the time I got there - I needed more water and a seat for a little while but I still checked out.  I kind of think that I could have done another stretch about that distance again.  Maybe not with all of the hills but I still think that I could have kept going.  In the end, I got a lift home.

I'll see how I fare up tomorrow.  I think that the worst of it will be a little sunburn.

Maybe next weekend I should head in another direction.  Split up the trip by 2 - 3 km chunks with a rest break between and just see how far I can get.  Maybe head towards the city this time.  South Bank is about 7 - 8 kilometres.  I can catch a bus home from there.  It's just finding the rest breaks along the way.   I'm sure headed in that direction that there'll be plenty to look at and keep my mind occupied as I meander along.

Differences in Me

People who haven't seen me in a few weeks are commenting on differences.
I feel different.  I just wasn't sure that translated into something more visible to the outside world.  Something positive.  My pilates / physio team can see the difference and are working with me to push the boundaries even further out.  That's exciting.  I'm not sure if exciting is the right word.  Awe is a little closer.  Maybe wonder?  Or maybe it's just the anticipation.  Kind of like that anticipation that you get before Christmas as a child - wondering what Santa might bring.

I'm starting to notice that I'm just more comfortable in my body.  It feels like it's doing what it's supposed to do.  The getting up and down off the ground is the biggest thing for me.  It's something that I don't remember ever doing - it opens up a whole lot of things that I've never really done before.

Sometimes I catch myself with the realisation that something that I've done for a long time is just that little bit easier.
My knees are coping a little bit better.
Swelling on my knees and ankles is reducing (and I can't recall it ever having done that)
Sometimes I'm just bouncy.

Last Friday, I went to a meditation class.  Something that I never would have done before.  How could I?  I'm sure there are some that would have accommodated my lack of ability to get down to the floor, though that isn't something that I would ever have wanted.  I've never wanted to be seen to be different or require special assistance.  It was always better not to participate - not to let people know - not to be a burden - not to let anyone see weakness - maybe a touch of pride.

There have been a few people that I've spoken to about this big thing.  Some don't see it as such a big thing.  I guess the novelty of knowing someone that has had both hips replaced has worn off and my achievements aren't that exciting for them anymore.  I kind of wonder if they ever were.  It's ok though.  I don't need that external validation.  I feel good.  It can be lonely at times when there isn't someone to talk to about what is going on with me but it's something that I'm ok with.  I'm ok with it because I don't know where this is going to take me but I'm looking forward to finding out.

Missing Pilates Session

Today I missed pilates.
I had to go to a client site for a payroll handover.

I didn't realise that it would make such a difference to my mood.
It's entirely possible that I'm just grumpy and there are other things that are going on in my life at the moment that are having an effect but....  nothing feels like it should and it's just a generally uncomfortable day.

I'm going to have to figure out something to do for when work commitments stop me from going to a scheduled appointment.  The next one I'll miss is on the 27th of this month.  Not long to figure it out.

Off the Floor

For the first time for as long as I can remember, I got off the floor without leaning on a chair and using my arms to assist.  I was on one of those thick squishy mats so I kind of wrote it off to the matt and maybe just a fluke.

So today I tried again at pilates on a regular mat.   I did it.

I haven't tried a regular hard floor yet but I did it.  Twice.

That's huge.  It's so huge that I can't even tell you.

Some people get it.

Some don't.

I'm grateful for those that do.

Ultrasound

I had physio today.  I learnt a lot.  More than just releasing the muscles and feeling that light buzzy feeling afterwards, I learnt what my muscles looked like when they were working efficiently and what they looked like when they weren't quite doing what they were supposed to be doing.

We used a diagnostic ultrasound, the kind they look at babies with, to look at whether my transverse abdominals and the lowest level glute muscles closest to my hip joints.  Looks like the TA's were firing well and the glutes not so much.  It wasn't a great surprise, but it was very worthwhile to see.   I now have an understanding as to what it feels like working properly because I know what it looks like.  Now I can work towards strengthening what needs to be strengthened.

I probably should have taken pictures for comparison....  Maybe next time!

Pilates Shake Up

In addition to my regular pilates appointments, I've added two sessions with Julie.

All three have kicked up a notch.

I didn't know that I could have muscle pain like this without joint pain.  It's the most amazing thing ever.    This is going to change everything.  I'm not even sure how yet - but it will.

Trying Something New

This year has marked a number of big changes for me.

Last year didn't work for me and I went away at Christmas with a whole lot of homework to think about what I actually want from my life.  I came home with some ideas that I started to put into place when I came home.  I realised pretty quickly that the plan I started in the early weeks wasn't going work - I wasn't going to be personally happy - the things that were weighing me down would still be there and not much would have changed.

I had started the process last year.  Looking for something new in a lot of aspects of my life.  Part of that was how I was going to look after me.  I spoke to friends with chronic illnesses to see what was working for them.  I spoke to friends who'd been broken and were fixed and quizzed them.  I went to see everyone that they recommended.

I spent six months talking to a shrink.  I think it helped me for that moment.  Helped make sure that I didn't end up back in the darkness.  The panic attacks came back for a while. (I'm not sure if I've ever talked about that before - they were there in the beginning.  If I haven't talked about them - I will soon)  I ended up in hospital one night.  Very few people knew.  It was a shock to me - physical pain as a response to panic.  It was new and an indicator that I couldn't just keep it to myself and just 'suck it up'. The masks were starting to crack.  I'd schedule according to what I could cope with and I worked at night away from people so I could keep my mind busy and take time out when I needed it.  The fear of being found out was enough to hide the darkness.  The work was technical enough that it could hold my focus and I could hide in it.

I'm really good at masks.  I hold it in.  I don't like people to see weakness and I don't like being told what to do when I feel like this.  I know what to do, I'm not an idiot.  Knowing what to do and actually doing it are different.  People who have been here will know what I mean.  I didn't need someone to solve my problems.  I needed someone to help me understand my problems so that I could work out how to feel better.

It was the first step in looking for someone that I could talk to about what was coming next.  Facilitating me to work out what it is that I wanted when all I could figure out was what I didn't want.  I didn't go back after a while.

I guess I ended up learning more about me, and more about what I could do from business coaching.  I think a lot of that came from the person that I worked with.  The right things at the right time.  What I needed to take that next step.  What started with in this process isn't where I ended up.  I'm on a completely different path now.  It's a little scary out here - it's all new - but I'm gaining confidence that I can navigate this journey.  I'm sure that I'll make some mistakes as I continue to figure out what I want and need and adjust the journey.

On the work side, I'm winding down my business.  I've accepted a full time job.  I've already seen a massive reduction in hours.  The panic wakes me sometimes in the middle of the night with all of the things that I need to do that I didn't stay up half the night working on, but I'm becoming more accepting of the fact that I can't be everything to everyone and sometimes people will be disappointed when I say 'no'.  It's been a bit confronting too.  Spending more time in my own head.  That can't be good, right?  Probably not - but until I spend more time with myself without the work focus, I'll never figure anything out.

On the body side, I'm a regular at acupuncture and have started with my seat buddy's sister.   So far, she's the genius that has been claimed.  Her knowledge of ortho is amazing and she isn't afraid to use it to help me see continuous improvement.  I have some big goals and I'm pretty sure that she'll see me to them.    It gives me hope that there is more for me.  Even after all of the amazing results that I have - I've realised that there is more.  I do want to do more.  I want to try these things that I haven't done before that I've always said that I didn't want to do.

It's a new world out there and there is a lot to learn.

Random Meeting on a Plane

It turned out to be the next opportunity - the open door that I needed to walk through.

Last week I flew to Melbourne for a wedding.

I was going to leave work early and get there around 6pm so that I could meet up with some people for a few drinks.  Flights were ludicrously expensive as I'd left booking so late and I'd decided that I'd be better off to use my frequent flier miles and treat myself to a business class seat.

The week didn't quite go to plan and there was no way that I was going to make a 3pm flight.  It was just as well that I'd gotten the seat that I had, as a reschedule to a later departure was an easy one.  I survived the day of work and made my flight on time.

Settled into business class, my row mate arrived and settled in.  We both read until dinner.  At dinner we started to chat.  He was on his way to a conference in Melbourne for the fitness industry.  He and his family own a gym, not far from where I lived.  We talked about the industry and I commented that I didn't really fit into the traditional member mould and we discussed the difficulties that I had finding the right 'team' for me for this next stage of my progress.

Turns out his sister is in the game too....  apparently a rehab genius - physio and exercise.   Julie works between a clinic and the gym.  I thought about this for a while when I got home.  Figured that it was worth a shot - what did I have to lose.  I was ready to try something new, take that next leap.

I called the gym and got in contact with Julie.  She wasn't taking new patients - but because her brother recommended her, she was going to take me.

Next week I see her.  I'm hopeful, but not expecting too much.

Three Years Post-Op

Today I had my checkup with my surgeon.  I'm three years down the track and he's happy with my progress.  I don't have to go back for another two years now.

It's a great result.

It's a little weird though that something that has been so important in my life is now just a checkup every few years.  Physically it is the best possible outcome.  The journey though has taken me through some really tough times and at some level, fundamentally changed the way that I look at the world.

The main goal that I had going in was that I wanted the chronic, persistent pain to be gone.  As I read back over the blog posts, I'm sure there was more that I could say - for fear of failing.  So long as I got through and life was better than it was before - that would be a successful outcome.

And it is - and so much more.

The whole process has been a catalyst for major change in my life.

It's that turning point where I realised that there were people in my life who were only there because I could help them.  When it was my turn, they didn't like it and it caused all manner of grief.

I realised that I didn't have to live with pain.   Physical or otherwise.  While it's part of the human condition to have inner struggles, I don't think I accept my 'lot' in life as much as I used to.  I can do more - it's now my choice, I'm not as limited by these physical constraints that provided an excuse, a protection from the world.   I've struggled with depression - I've seen a few shrinks - sought out alternate therapies - found a new way.  There have been a few people in this journey who I will be forever grateful to.  They don't even know how important their role has been in sending me off in a new direction.  One day I might tell them - but for now - it's still my adventure.

All I can say is that the whole process was definitely worthwhile.  I've gotten my life back.  It's not the life I probably had planned - it could even be better.