2014 in Review and What Comes Next?

A lot has changed in my life in 2014.

There has been an overwhelming sense of accomplishment as well as the associated 'well what now' that inevitably follows completing something that you never thought would ever be possible.  This was the theme of my homework set by Julie for the Christmas holidays.

I'm in Bangkok at the moment on my annual break.  This is something that is only relatively new in my life, taking holidays!  The first year that we came here was in 2010, just before I met with the surgeon for the first time.

Travel was never really that high on my wish list - it was uncomfortable, I suffered for days after the flight with pain and stiffness, I could never do as much as I wanted to and it was just easier not to think too much about it.  I also worked a lot...  like a crazy person in fact.  Work was something I could do, something that I could achieve with.   I'm not entirely sure that I had time from the start of 2000 until 2010 that I could have actually gone on holidays overseas for too long.  This isn't to say I never travelled.  I did a few trips with work in the privilege of business class and no time to do too much that was physically demanding.  (There was that one trip to Vegas...  but that's for a whole other post)

So the last year pre-op I went to a city that I knew people and they knew what I could and couldn't do.  They also didn't feel the need to do too much that was touristy and required too much walking.  Taxis were in abundance and were extremely affordable and I had a holiday that fit in with what I could do.

We now return and the holiday has changed a little - we do walk more.  I still don't go to the gym or the local pilates studio as I promise myself each year as I pack my gym gear but my life is substantially more active than it ever has been before.

So the homework....  to figure out what my 2015 goals are going to be.  In trying to come up with something, I spent a fair bit of time reflecting on the year and what I had actually achieved and what had changed.

The highlights:

• I can get up and down off the floor without leaning on anything above ground level
• I can walk 15km and pull up fine in the morning (I could possibly do more - but it's at that point where I'm kind of bored with being in my own head and just want to do something else)
• I walk and people don't know that I've had hips replaced
• My posture has improved substantially 
• I can wear heels (Hey, I know bad for the body and I've always claimed flats are the way to go but it is nice to dress up some times and slide into a pair of Ferragamo peep-toe heels.  My physio says it's ok on occasion too - so I'm in the clear!)
• I sleep better than I ever have before.  I can exist on substantially less sleep than I ever have before.  I prefer to get more hours and quite often do but I can now wake up in the morning before the alarm and be where I need to be without the 
• I can easily do up my own shoelaces.  I could earlier post-op but it still had it's challenges.  It's now just part of real life these days.
• Getting in and out of car - completely changed - it's so much easier to not slide in like a lady and then bring legs in.  
• General flexibility.  It amazes me sometimes that I don't think twice about picking things up off the ground.  That I can bend and reach.  That my balance has improved.
• I actually like physical activity.  It turns out that my old belief that I didn't was really just a function of what I was physically capable of - not actually what was real.  It surprised me.  

The things I've learned:

• To accept that these great accomplishments just aren't as impressive to others.  The things that I get excited about and have shared with friends have often been met with the blank oh great stares.
• To accept that the most important thing to the outside world is the weight that I've lost.  About 14kg.  I know this is awesome and it's been fun buying a new wardrobe and fitting into things that I haven't worn for years, but to me this is just a nice little positive side effect.  I never did any of this to lose weight.  That was never a factor in any of the decisions I've made.  The strength and new found freedom, the blank stare stuff is just so much more important.

My world has changed.  I'm finding myself.  The person that I never thought that I was.  The person that I never even thought about being because it was so far removed from what my reality was.

I didn't quite make it to figuring out what the goals were.   I started by looking at the suggestion of Kokoda Trail - but it didn't jump out at me.  It's not the distance.  This is a pretty great challenge that meets the criteria of a suitable challenge in that I would require a fair bit of training to be able to achieve the goal, and yet still it's just not quite right.

The Bhutan Trek to Happiness walk as a fundraiser for the Black Dog Institute interested me more - but it wasn't really challenging enough to be a goal for the next stage of my development.  I think I might still do this one day - but it won't be a goal, just something that I'll do for fun.  The fund-raising side to this event would be the biggest challenge.

I'm still looking.  I'm sure it will come to me soon and in the meantime, the search is fun.  I've thought of and found a lot of activities that require another look at now that I have this new found freedom.

Things like:

• Going to an all day music festival and be in the mosh pit at least once.  
• Indoor rock climbing
• Abseiling

If you can think of anymore - please post!!

I'm looking forward to spending more time on this little homework project in the coming weeks.

The girl in the video...

I cried for her today as I watched the videos of her learning to walk again. 

She was taking small steps.  Carefully placing each foot on the masking tape line as she took each step while she held onto the rails either side of her that supported some of her weight so the whole effort was even possible.

Mostly there was a look I'd call resigned. I couldn't see the determination behind her eyes that I expected to see as she took each step...  Over and over again.

It hurt to watch.  I went forward a few months as she walked with a cane.  Barely a walk.  It was uncomfortable to watch.  I thought I could still see resignation - none of the desire to do more that should have been there. There was a moment in one where she jokes with the person filming and I see a spark of personality...  Something that I couldn't see in any of the other clips.

I kept going forward to where she walks without the cane and the walk still doesn't look natural.  I think about her thoughts that it might be the best she could ever be as the person filming her encourages her to lift her knees just a little more and tells her she's done well.

I cried because I felt the pain, the fear, the darkness, all of the emotions from those experiences when I watched her.  She feels like a stranger, a person that doesn't exist anymore that has no bearing on who I am now.  It's only now that I see her as a stranger that I feel compassion for her, feel that she is worthy of having someone listen to her fears and share her triumphs.

I'm not even sure how I got to where I was in the last video taken in 2012 to where I am today.  What I'm really not sure of is how some of the people who are closest to me haven't noticed the difference.  

I'm even more proud of what I've accomplished in the last few months when I look back and see exactly how far I've really come and I wonder where I could be and what I'll see in a few years when I look back at where I am today.  I hope I feel joy and strength and know that it is mine and that I am worthy of it.

The longest walk...

So far.

Last night I sent out a few messages to people to say hello, to see how they were doing, some who I haven't spoken to in a while.

I woke up quite early and had a few responses, some from people who were online this morning quite early. (Well early for me for a Sunday).  It's been good to catch up with people, to have a life back and some of the interactions have given me a lot to think about.  About my life.  About the changes that I've made for myself.  About the value of being alive, of being healthy and about having the opportunities to do things like, going for a long walk.

So I did.

I started out thinking that I'd go to a little coffee shop near me.  My local is the one thing that I really miss from living in the city.  It was just an elevator ride and maybe 50 meters.  My new local is about 2.2 km away.

What the hell right?  I can do that on the elliptical, so why shouldn't I be able to do this on the ground.  I have walking shoes and need coffee.  So why not.  I can always call a cab if I feel like I can't make it.  There's bus stops all along the way.  I'm not walking through the desert, I can just roam.  I kind of wonder if I hadn't have had all these health issues whether back packing would have been something that I would have enjoyed.  I'm a little spoilt now and like my own shower and bed in a nice clean somewhat upmarket hotel but I think that I could do the adventure a little more.  There's a whole world out there waiting for me to explore.

I started off quite optimistic.  There were some thoughts that it was a little harder than what I thought it would be when I got to the hills...  that's right - plural.   Calves and glutes burning, I made it there.  I took my time to sit, have coffee, some toast with avo and realised, that it wasn't that far.  I did the check around; ankles - good, knees - good, hips - good; and decided that I didn't think I wanted to go back.

There is freedom in just walking.  Time to think.
Time to just wander and be in my own head and be ok with that.

So I kept going.  Stopped at a friend's place another three or so kilometres down the road.  I detoured through a reserve area that has paved paths through the bush land rather than by the busy roadside in one section.  I was the only person out for most of the way so I got to sing out loud and just enjoy being.

It actually amazes me that I enjoyed it.  It's something that I would have always said that I was too lazy to do.  The reality of it is that I couldn't do it and it was just easier to say that I was lazy and didn't want to.

By the time I got there - I needed more water and a seat for a little while but I still checked out.  I kind of think that I could have done another stretch about that distance again.  Maybe not with all of the hills but I still think that I could have kept going.  In the end, I got a lift home.

I'll see how I fare up tomorrow.  I think that the worst of it will be a little sunburn.

Maybe next weekend I should head in another direction.  Split up the trip by 2 - 3 km chunks with a rest break between and just see how far I can get.  Maybe head towards the city this time.  South Bank is about 7 - 8 kilometres.  I can catch a bus home from there.  It's just finding the rest breaks along the way.   I'm sure headed in that direction that there'll be plenty to look at and keep my mind occupied as I meander along.

Trying Something New

This year has marked a number of big changes for me.

Last year didn't work for me and I went away at Christmas with a whole lot of homework to think about what I actually want from my life.  I came home with some ideas that I started to put into place when I came home.  I realised pretty quickly that the plan I started in the early weeks wasn't going work - I wasn't going to be personally happy - the things that were weighing me down would still be there and not much would have changed.

I had started the process last year.  Looking for something new in a lot of aspects of my life.  Part of that was how I was going to look after me.  I spoke to friends with chronic illnesses to see what was working for them.  I spoke to friends who'd been broken and were fixed and quizzed them.  I went to see everyone that they recommended.

I spent six months talking to a shrink.  I think it helped me for that moment.  Helped make sure that I didn't end up back in the darkness.  The panic attacks came back for a while. (I'm not sure if I've ever talked about that before - they were there in the beginning.  If I haven't talked about them - I will soon)  I ended up in hospital one night.  Very few people knew.  It was a shock to me - physical pain as a response to panic.  It was new and an indicator that I couldn't just keep it to myself and just 'suck it up'. The masks were starting to crack.  I'd schedule according to what I could cope with and I worked at night away from people so I could keep my mind busy and take time out when I needed it.  The fear of being found out was enough to hide the darkness.  The work was technical enough that it could hold my focus and I could hide in it.

I'm really good at masks.  I hold it in.  I don't like people to see weakness and I don't like being told what to do when I feel like this.  I know what to do, I'm not an idiot.  Knowing what to do and actually doing it are different.  People who have been here will know what I mean.  I didn't need someone to solve my problems.  I needed someone to help me understand my problems so that I could work out how to feel better.

It was the first step in looking for someone that I could talk to about what was coming next.  Facilitating me to work out what it is that I wanted when all I could figure out was what I didn't want.  I didn't go back after a while.

I guess I ended up learning more about me, and more about what I could do from business coaching.  I think a lot of that came from the person that I worked with.  The right things at the right time.  What I needed to take that next step.  What started with in this process isn't where I ended up.  I'm on a completely different path now.  It's a little scary out here - it's all new - but I'm gaining confidence that I can navigate this journey.  I'm sure that I'll make some mistakes as I continue to figure out what I want and need and adjust the journey.

On the work side, I'm winding down my business.  I've accepted a full time job.  I've already seen a massive reduction in hours.  The panic wakes me sometimes in the middle of the night with all of the things that I need to do that I didn't stay up half the night working on, but I'm becoming more accepting of the fact that I can't be everything to everyone and sometimes people will be disappointed when I say 'no'.  It's been a bit confronting too.  Spending more time in my own head.  That can't be good, right?  Probably not - but until I spend more time with myself without the work focus, I'll never figure anything out.

On the body side, I'm a regular at acupuncture and have started with my seat buddy's sister.   So far, she's the genius that has been claimed.  Her knowledge of ortho is amazing and she isn't afraid to use it to help me see continuous improvement.  I have some big goals and I'm pretty sure that she'll see me to them.    It gives me hope that there is more for me.  Even after all of the amazing results that I have - I've realised that there is more.  I do want to do more.  I want to try these things that I haven't done before that I've always said that I didn't want to do.

It's a new world out there and there is a lot to learn.

Three Years Post-Op

Today I had my checkup with my surgeon.  I'm three years down the track and he's happy with my progress.  I don't have to go back for another two years now.

It's a great result.

It's a little weird though that something that has been so important in my life is now just a checkup every few years.  Physically it is the best possible outcome.  The journey though has taken me through some really tough times and at some level, fundamentally changed the way that I look at the world.

The main goal that I had going in was that I wanted the chronic, persistent pain to be gone.  As I read back over the blog posts, I'm sure there was more that I could say - for fear of failing.  So long as I got through and life was better than it was before - that would be a successful outcome.

And it is - and so much more.

The whole process has been a catalyst for major change in my life.

It's that turning point where I realised that there were people in my life who were only there because I could help them.  When it was my turn, they didn't like it and it caused all manner of grief.

I realised that I didn't have to live with pain.   Physical or otherwise.  While it's part of the human condition to have inner struggles, I don't think I accept my 'lot' in life as much as I used to.  I can do more - it's now my choice, I'm not as limited by these physical constraints that provided an excuse, a protection from the world.   I've struggled with depression - I've seen a few shrinks - sought out alternate therapies - found a new way.  There have been a few people in this journey who I will be forever grateful to.  They don't even know how important their role has been in sending me off in a new direction.  One day I might tell them - but for now - it's still my adventure.

All I can say is that the whole process was definitely worthwhile.  I've gotten my life back.  It's not the life I probably had planned - it could even be better.

Fear of Falling

I've noticed that the idea of falling has been on my mind a lot in the last couple of days.  Most of the time when I'm walking I am conscious of every foot placement, though there have been a few times in the last couple of days that I have found myself somewhere else and a not completely conscious of the journey.  Every time that I walk past the top of a staircase I have an irrational fear of falling down the stairs.

I don't know what would happen if I did fall.  I'm still a few months out of the 'danger zone' for my healing femurs.  It still wouldn't be too good to fall too hard after that but it wouldn't be as bad.  I wonder if the feeling that my body is going to uncontrollably launch itself off the top of the stairs as I walk past will go away at that point.  I don't know where it has come from but I have these horrible pictures of falling on a reasonably regular basis.  I guess it's keeping me from doing anything too stupid too soon, so it isn't entirely a bad thing.

I've always had a fear of falling.  If I felt safe, I'm fine.  Things like floor to ceiling windows in a high-rise without ledges, couldn't stand near them.  Mental images of me tripping and pushing the window out with me following closely behind.  Balconies and verandahs without balustrades, I'd hug the wall meters away in case I accidentally threw myself over the edge.  I lived on the tenth floor of a building for 5 years and was fine as I had ledges.  The balcony had concrete walls.  There was no accidental falling happening and no mental images of falling either.

It's not exactly a fear of heights.  I can go on roller coasters and to the top of tall buildings.  Just last summer we went to the lookout on the top of the Marina Bay Sands Hotel and had no problems.  It is an almost rational response to my surroundings.  I guess in a way the situation is the same, it's just that I've changed and I'm no longer as confident in my footing at the moment so the risks around me seem greater.  The damage done in a fall could also be a lot greater, thus increasing the perceived risk.

It will be interesting to see how quickly things go back to my normal and how I will feel trying new things as my strength grows.  I think that I'll always keep the touch of cautiousness - or crazy, depending on how you look at it.

Pain Relief

I put up with the pain for over a day before I realised that I could take some pain relief.  I took an ibruprofen before bed and it seemed to help enough that I got to sleep and slept well.  I don't know why I didn't consider pain relief as an option.  The pain that I had wasn't one that I was used to or can ever recall having.  It wasn't that sharp pain that I was used to but it was still able to stop me from doing things - like full weight bearing.  It wasn't as bad as the old pain, even though it did hurt a fair bit, I'd describe it more as irritating and limiting than bad pain.   It was irritating enough that I wasn't able to get comfortable enough to sleep on Friday night and I woke on Saturday morning feeling pretty rough.  As the day progressed, things were a little better but by the end of the day I was pretty much back where I started.  

As I contemplated doing this all over again today, I was a little upset that I had taken what seemed like two big jumps backwards when I had been doing so well.  Now that it's been so long, I don't get much feedback to help me determine the improvements that I don't see for myself either, so the little that I do see seemed to be stripped away which is ridiculous since it was solved with nothing more than a single ibruprofen.  I'm someone that has dealt with far more pain than this for a very long time and yet this little episode threw me for quite a while.  It was just a bit of a reminder of what was and how uncertain the future is.  It's representative of change that I don't quite understand and don't quite know how to deal with yet.  I'll get there in my own time and until I get there people are just going to have to wait.

Going out for Lunch

Today and yesterday, I went out for lunch.  It was good to be out, even in the cold.  A change of scenery for a little while has been good for my mental health.  I'm becoming a little too comfortable staying at home and need a little nudge in the direction of living life on the 'outside' every now and again.

Today was a bigger day with a lot more walking.  We headed to Garden City for lunch and after eating, we went for a walk for the length of the centre and back.  I'm not quite sure what the distance that I walked was but it was pretty decent amount for a single trip. I was tiring about two-thirds the way back to the car but we had planned a stop for cake and coffee on the way back and it was just about at the right time.   I think that I could have done another trip about the same distance after a bit of a longer break.

I also had a go at an elliptical machine and a recumbent bike to see what was possible at this stage of the rehab process.  The bike is out for the time being as the flexion range isn't comfortable and it is difficult to get my feet in the pedals without assistance.  The elliptical was really good.  It is a little difficult to get on to, though possible and no more difficult that getting in and out of the car.  The movement is smooth and could be a good way to increase my activity levels.  Walking is cheaper and just as good an option, though I'm not really confident enough to go out walking on my own especially with how hilly it is and how few pathways there are around here.   I have been thinking about it for a little while and still not sure which way is the best way to go from here.  I need to up the activity a bit more but I don't think that I can walk around the house anymore than I already do.  It takes a lot of loops around a house to do the distance that I did today and I'm not sure I can do that around the house.

Tomorrow I'm going to try to drive.  My sister is coming to take me to a parking lot so that I can learn to drive again.  I'm not too keen to try and take the car out of my driveway here.  I'm just a little bit concerned that if I'm not ready, I might end up rolling into the garage door or maybe the house at the end of the street.  I'm sure that it won't be that difficult, I think that I have the range, reflexes and strength to use the pedals and once again it's just confidence.  It seems to be that's what is lacking at the moment to take things to the next level.  I'm just not quite sure how to get that back.  As the weather cools, I seem to becoming even more comfortable staying at home which really isn't a good thing.  Everyone is busy getting on with life, it's just seems easier for me to stay here.  This really isn't the right attitude to move forward but right now that's just how it is.  There needs to be some change or catalyst to get me out of this slump.  I'm just not sure what it should be.

I just want to get back to my regular life

Only Better.

And Yesterday.

Slightly unreasonable expectations.

No matter how much the hippies on http://surfacehippy.info/hiptalk prepared me for those days where everything is all to hard that they had when they first came home, I wasn't quite ready for what it might feel like.  I pretty much lost it last night and for most of this morning.  I had some dark moments in the hospital but I managed to work through those a little bit better than I was last night and this morning.  I knew it was going downhill and I had already booked an appointment to talk to someone on Thursday but I didn't think that I could deal with this for that long. I then tried to get a hold of my GP and couldn't get in until Friday, so I rang the hospital looking for the Occupational Therapist who I liked to give me a referral to someone who I could talk to.  She wasn't available but it turned out that the lady that answered the phone is the social worker at the rehab unit and she was able to see me today.

Things started to come together during my first physio session at home.  I was working with someone that I have worked with before that has a similar philosophy as I normally do.  I say normally given that I haven't quite been myself lately.  When I am in that mode and am talking about it - I am positive.  When I'm left to my own devices things don't always stay on that path.  Apparently I got a good report card which is nice to hear after the 'you are all wrong' physio that I have been seeing for the last week.  I lost a bit of momentum without the mini goals that I had in the first two weeks, like trying exercises that I knew I was a way off perfecting to see how close I could get and then trying again the next day and the next.  There wasn't any negativity associated with the process.  I wasn't failing, I was getting closer.  This is the positive attitude that I am looking forward to having back.  It might seem a little 'me me me' requiring positive reinforcement all of the time and that isn't entirely wrong.  It's not entirely right either.  I need to be the one to start with the positive 'hey look see what I can do now' and have a positive response back like 'we'll need to set you some new targets' or 'we are almost ready to fine tune that one and move up' not 'you are doing it all wrong'.  I do still need correction and assistance, I just don't need it like that.

Now that I have been assessed and started off with some new exercises, the mini-goals plan will start to be worked upon.  We are going to start on this tomorrow and I am hoping that this will help get my mind back into a more positive state.  I've been lost over the last week and it's time to get back on track.

Even though the session gave me a bit of a pep, I still needed more and I think that the trip to the social worker helped.  She really didn't say anything that I didn't know or hadn't been told before.  I also saw the OT as well before hand and that was helpful too especially since I already knew her and respected her.  I have heard so many times that this is a massive operation and such a big deal to undertake and the emotion that goes along with it is completely understandable especially since I have such high expectations of myself but I guess it still hasn't sunk in.  I got sent home with a book on panic attacks and how to deal with them and maybe a little more confidence that I can deal with this.

I got home and read the panic attack book.  It didn't help.  Instead I think it almost set one off.  I couldn't relate to the examples and though some of the things I was fearing were irrational (like my husband dying or any number of bad things happening to my favourite people) some I think were fair enough (like not going back to work when I should be and the financial implications of that).  I made a phone call to the person I was booked to talk to on Thursday and apologised and asked for five minutes on the phone now and it made a difference.  It was very similar to some of the things discussed with the social worker but I guess it sunk in a little more this time.  Again the effects of the general anaesthetic were raised (that's three times today) which surprised me as I would have thought they'd be long gone by now.  I guess this is part of the being hard on myself thing to disregard anything that I might deem an excuse.  I don't want to be making excuses.  I do need to differentiate the difference between excuses and possible reasons though.  It isn't weakness to see that there is a justifiable reason for me feeling this way sometimes.  I still need to be held accountable for how I react to it though and this might take a little bit of work yet.

At that point I spoke more with my husband about the things that I feared and could do so a little more calmly and without completely losing it.  I think this is the indicator of a big shift from my morning anxiety to a little bit more peace.  I hope I can hold it out and get a good night's sleep and that things look just a little brighter again in the morning.

22 Days Post Op: 6 Days to go in Rehab

Today was the day that I changed physios.  I'm not overly thrilled about this and I'm not completely convinced that it was my preconceptions that have caused the problem.  I wasn't looking forward to it as I work well with the guy that I was working with up until today.  Today marked a major change and apparently everything I was doing was wrong and apparently if we fix these bad habits now 'there is a good chance you can be normal'.  Bah.  Who says stuff like that?  There was never any doubt in my mind that I am going to be normal.  I despise that word and it doesn't accurately convey my meaning.  There was never any doubt in my head that the outcome would be positive.....  until now.  It annoys me (much stronger language), that yesterday was such a positive day and I was ready to smash it again today.

I understand the philosophy of getting things done the right way the first time, however, there are some times where you need to just figure out a way to do something to cope with life.  I've been doing this for twenty years.  It might not be normal but you know what, I had a good life.  Saying I might end up normal implies that I wasn't.  This might not be how it was meant though it really was a freaking stupid thing to say.  I'll do what I need to do to cope for now and then I will go back to working with my regular awesome physios who will correct me without being condescending, who will actually work with me to not only cope and get through life but achieve the positive outcomes that I am determined to achieve and who will listen to me when times get tough and inspire me to keep going.  I will believe them because I trust their sincerity and their professional skills.  There will be no fake platitudes as they will actually know what my progress has been like and be skilled enough to know what my limits are and help me push through them without making me feel like a failure. (eg setting realistic targets, one step at a time, letting me be involved in my own program and understanding how we need to get where we need to go).  Two of  my best friends, one being my husband, want me to request a change from the new physio and I'm not keen to do so while I'm here.  I know this might seem like I'm going back on my idea of being your own advocate but I don't want to rock the boat when I'm so close to being out of here and being in charge of my life again.  I will be mentally prepared for tomorrow and I won't let it upset me again.  I'm sure that the current physio knows her stuff and her methods work with some people but they don't work with me.  There are only four days of gym left before going home and I can grin and bear it.  I'll try my best and do what I have to do to be the model patient.   If I can wrangle it, one of them might be able to be a handover session.  I'm going to ask about that tomorrow and see what is possible.  I am not a failure and I won't give her the power to make me feel like one.

The big thing we need to cope with is stairs and my home visit on Tuesday.  Frankly it doesn't matter if the heel on the bottom leg lifts a little from the ground to get the top leg onto the stair at this point.  (My quads are strong, I have good balance and am stable so it isn't a falls risk)  I am working on hip flexor strength to lift the leg and it might not be where it needs to be by Tuesday, so what should we do?  Skip the home visit?  Delay going home?  I'd like to swear here but I have refrained from doing so thus far with this blog (at least I think I have), so I won't though I am sure you know full well what I'd like to say here.  28 Days in hospital is enough for me.  I'm out of here.  I'll get in the freaking house any freaking way I can and then once I'm in I'll work at it until I get to where I need to be.

I have so many bad habits from years of compensating for my diseased bone on bone hip joints.  I have already gotten rid of one and am working on the others that appear as I get fatigued.  Apparently it's better to do nothing than something if it is wrong.  I'm not a professional and not qualified to comment about anything but my own experience.  I disagree with that particular professional opinion that this is the case in all situations.  Obviously you don't want to do something the wrong way if it will cause injury or possibly cause stability to be affected thus increasing the risk of a fall but the fact of the matter is I am going to need to compensate to some degree until I heal fully and my strength returns.  For my mental health it is better for me to try something and at least achieve it even if I did 'cheat' this time and work on doing it properly especially if it means that I can actually get inside my house.  I also think it's better for me to be moving even if the range isn't up to what it should be.

Isn't it better for me to at least try to continue rather than give up?  If I had of done that I wouldn't have done any exercises as up until a few days ago I needed freaking assistance to actually get pretty much any of it done.  From the very beginning of my rehab I've asked to give things a go even though I knew I wouldn't be able to do it completely, I just wanted to see how far I could get and how close I was.  When I couldn't quite get there I was getting encouragement and we would work on it and you know what, the next day it was a little bit easier and I could do it a little bit better.  If you beat the will to try out of someone in rehab you aren't going to get good results.  Mentally the patient has to want it and want to be there otherwise what's the point?  

15 Days Post Op: Mini Meltdown

Since I wrote yesterday, I've been a bit down.  It's not as bad as it was on a few of the days in the 'missing week' though that period of time was intensified due to low haemoglobin and adverse drug reactions and that isn't a reason to disregard it anymore.  I have to take ownership of how I feel this time and nothing is going to be a quick fix.  I guess I just have to think about what it is that is actually the issue and work out what I can do to either fix it or get over it.  I am probably being a little hard on myself but that wouldn't be completely out of character.  I had high expectations pre-op which were probably a little stupid.  I don't necessarily think that I was naive enough to think it would be easy.  I just thought it would be easier than what it actually is.

I've had a bit of a think about why last night and today have been more difficult emotionally than normal and I have a couple of ideas.  I'd say a big part of the reason is that the rehab gym is pretty much closed for the duration of the public holidays with only one session on this morning.  I seem to find it more difficult to keep it together without the external validation from the Physios who are adding things to my program as I am progressing.   (Just telling my I'm doing great doesn't work - it sounds just like something that is said to make me feel better with no underlying truth - I need to see the progress and have someone else see enough of it to professionally say that I am ready to move forward.)  Another part is frustration setting in as I struggle to do the most simple of tasks like get my own feet out of bed without assistance (which I haven't managed to do yet).  Being in hospital is isolating as well.  Normally I have a choice as to whether I want to be social or hibernate and this isn't really a choice that I have right now and I don't have the interaction that I normally do with people I know and I'm struggling a little with this too.  It could also have a little to do with the change in general routine from being a night person to being woken at six in the morning every day.  Or maybe even partly the food which I am pretty much sick of especially after so many weeks pre-op eating a healthy diet full of fresh food.  Or even a little bit of worry about how much longer it is going to be before I can work again and have the income coming in, or how long it will be before I no longer rely so much on my husband to help me so that he can go back to work.

Yesterday I was on my own at the bar outside my hospital room running through the exercises myself while my husband watched on to make sure that I didn't fall over or do anything stupid like that.  I'll need to do this again this afternoon as well since the gym was only open this morning.  I'm not sure there is enough in my ward program to progress while the physios are away.  I'll have to increase the duration and repetitions and hope that this helps.

I didn't really feel any progress today and have started to wonder just how long I might be stuck in this place before any sense of normality returns to my world and I can at least be at home.  I hadn't planned on being here this long and had expected to be at home today based on the information that I was given pre-operatively.  The estimate of seven to ten days that is typical for one hip has been blown out of the water.  I had in my head that it would likely be two weeks though I hadn't considered that I might be looking at three or more.  Even when I wrote an email to one of the businesses that I do some contracting work for telling them that I would need the backup to stay in place for another couple of weeks, I still didn't really consider that I might actually be in here for a month.

Last night it sank in.  If I'm not starting on crutches yet and can't lift my feet more than an inch or so from the ground I'm not likely to make the end of next week.  I'll keep working on it and maybe we will see some leaps and bounds that aren't expected, though I don't want to get my heart set on it especially when

I feel a bit low still today about the whole thing.  I miss my life, even as it was with the daily arthritis pain. I know that I couldn't have gone on indefinitely like that and logically I know that this really is the only decision that could be made and now really was the only time to do it, but that doesn't help at the moment.  It's probably just a bit all too much at the moment and hopefully it is a phase that I can kick myself out of and get on with it.  I do know that at some point in the near future I will be able to look back and the gains that I have had will have made this all worthwhile.  I just want to be closer to that day and further away from this one.  In the meantime, I guess I just have to keep faking it until I make it.

Today was better than yesterday.
Tomorrow will be better than today.
I will be home soon.
This process will be a distant memory soon.
Life will be better once I get stronger.

Human Again

Nine days post-op

Today is the first day that I really feel human again.  I had an early start this morning waking at 6am, then had the usual hospital interruptions each half hour as I tried to doze back to sleep to have a bit of a sleep in. I started off rough, though through the span of time between 6 and 9:30 the little naps seem to have done the trick.  I've just started to get a little weary (it's 2:30pm) which isn't too bad at all really considering that this is the first day I've really been awake and alert for five hours straight.  In that time I also went for a walk and had a small physio session, gotten up two other times, showered and had lunch which are activities that usually require nap time after them.  It looks like improvements are starting to come more quickly, so I hope that I'm on that upward swing with the strength in my legs as well.

Best of all, the depression waves seem to be staying away today.  I am still a little all over the place emotionally and this may well just be hormonal (yes - freaking unlucky I say), though a small amount of depression when things aren't working the way that they are supposed to would have to be quite normal I should think add the hormones in and hey presto, a recipe for a crazy woman.

The physios have been a really positive influence on my mood.  I wasn't expecting that.  Not that I have anything against physios - I love mine that I have been seeing for years, I was just wary about the hospital system and just how much support would be provided to me.  I think the biggest issue I've had so far is my own expectations and how these were influenced pre-operatively.  I really thought by day 9, I'd be learning crutches, not still how to get out of bed with one assist (rather than the two I was using yesterday or when tired and ready for meds at 6 this morning).  There is absolutely no way on earth that I was only going to be in here 7 - 10 days.  Maybe that was always just the rehab component and I got something wrong, but I don't know.  I'd over estimated it to two weeks, though in reality it will be three weeks or just over.

I'm having some visitors for a little while this afternoon and then hopefully I'll get a restful night sleep tonight.  I think that really is the big thing that is missing and causing most of the issues now - lack of good sleep.  The big issue is how difficult it is to move to get comfortable and not being able to sleep on my side which is how I have slept for the last twenty years.  Apparently the restrictions will reduce at some point, hopefully once I can actually get into that position as I'm not quite sure how to stop myself doing that in my sleep.  It's pretty easy right now as there isn't any way to get into that position without rolling assistance and I'm sure someone will tell me once it becomes a concern.

Spilled Milk

There is no use crying over it, right?

Even if there is coffee in the milk?

Probably not.

But that's where I was at this morning when I managed just that when I arrived at Physio today (all over towels and pillows....  sorry!)

Now, it was good coffee, but probably not quite good enough for a cry, it wasn't like the last cup of coffee that I would ever drink again and it really wasn't the problem.  The day just didn't start off well.  I woke up tired and sore having not been able to sleep that well.  Panadol Osteo really doesn't cut it to replace the anti-inflamatories that I was on until last Friday.   This is probably the longest I've ever gone without something stronger and sleep is hard to come by at the moment.  I think that naps may be in order when I feel that I might actually be able to sleep for a little while.  There were a few other little things that managed to fray the nerves before I actually got to the point where the coffee was a really big issue but even so, really not a proportionate emotional response.  It's probably just as well I was somewhere where people know me well, as it really was quite an episode, one that I really wouldn't want to have out in the real public.

The day turned around and I got over the weepies and felt a lot better after an hour of Physio and another cup of coffee.

I caught up with an old friend for that second cup of coffee and got a chance for a bit of a sit down and breather to keep the physio calm and relaxed mood going on.  The pain subsided for a bit and I got a chance to get stuck into the last few work tasks so that I can handover to the person taking over.  I pushed through til about 10:30 tonight to get everything done so I won't have to work again before the op.  I finished up about the time that my husband arrived back home after being away for a while.  He wasn't definitely coming home today as he was still in exile but after my little episode this morning.  

I need nap time and relax time now that my husband is home and we are this close to game day.

Husband in Exile

My husband was supposed to come home from Melbourne today but I didn't let him (at some level his exile is self imposed as he does share the sentiment that it is a good idea - neither of us have to like the good idea - but unfortunately it is).  He has germs.  Somehow he has managed to catch a cold and is busy resting and hopefully kicking it in the next 24 hours so he can actually come home.  

I sound like a completely crazy woman.  I very well may be completely crazy woman - not just 'sounding like one' but I do need to tell a story that backs me up.  A friend of a friend was due to have surgery on his knees last week (I don't know the guy - this is just a story that I have heard second hand) and he got food poisoning two days before and he got bumped!! Poor guy was in public and has been bumped for a year!

Ok, that won't happen to me in private - a bump might only be a month but even so, I'm not sure my remaining sanity could survive a month delay.  More accurately I don't think that the sanity of my husband or close friends could survive.

No Physio Today :(

Somehow I managed to screw up my scheduling and didn't end up with a physio appointment like I thought I did so I turned up today and wasn't supposed to.  I have been juggling this last couple of weeks around a little bit to fit all kinds of things in, so I guess it's no wonder that something had to go wrong somewhere along the line.  I am rebooked for Thursday at a later time to accommodate for my dentists appointment and all is pretty much the same as any other week. One hydro appointment and one physio appointment, so there should be absolutely no reason to be emotional about it.  Now that I am getting closer to the date, I'm finding myself focusing on the minutiae and getting overly emotionally vested maybe as a coping mechanism for everything else that is going on.  It's disconcerting as I think that I have been really positive about the whole experience.  As the 'most of the time' feeling, it's still positive, it's just that on most days since about mid last week there has been a moment where I have had what I would deem a disproportionate emotional reaction.

In a way it relates a little to the OCD with germs and general control issues over the insignificant that I have discussed in other posts.  I have identified the strange behaviour and yet can't stop it.  Maybe it's because I've not really determined what the exact underlying issue is so that I can deal with it.  I have come up with a number of possible explanations and not too many solutions (other than suck it and see).

On the surface, I suppose it is easier to focus on the little things rather than worry about the unknown.  I'd like to think that I'm ready for the process through finding the right health professionals, research and actual physical preparation but...  I still do worry that I might not have done enough to help avoid any possible complications or that I have done something that I shouldn't have done that may harm my recovery time.  It's mostly because in these situations you just can't control all of the outcomes.  All that you can do is the best you can or make the compromises that you can accept and move forward and deal with what comes next.  So given there are things I can't control, maybe I'm focused on the things that I can or believe that I should be and am affected when these little things end up beyond my control as well.

Stupidly it extends to whether I am going to get everything done before I go into hospital.  The stupid thing is that I am coming out of hospital again so I don't know why that's even a big deal.  It really shouldn't be, though it may just be the last few things that I maybe can control.

So while I'm starting to realise that maybe I don't have control of much in my world and one crutch of control that I have fallen back to many times in the past, I no longer have.  As my health has declined, I have been more reliant on others for lots of different things except for money.  It was an important source of self-esteem, mostly as to me it is still an indicator of being able to look after myself.   My work status has changed very recently and was part of the reason that we chose to do this now (as I have the freedom to focus on preparation and then rehabilitation as I'm not working full time).  Along with not working full-time, this is the first time in my adult life when I haven't been financially independent.  At the moment and for the next few months I will be just about completely financially reliant on someone else.  My husband has no issue with this, it's just me struggling to come to terms with letting go of that portion of control over my life. There are no sick leave benefits or other benefits that were due to be paid to me to fall back on as the company that I was working was destroyed by a selfish director (which given that I am probably still bitter about given the massive time investment that I'd made to this place over the last decade is once again a situation that I have had no control over), so I had the choice of clocking up the leave required somewhere else or making some positive changes now (there were other considerations - though this certainly was a factor).  I guess I didn't think about the emotional impact that the change in work situation would have and it really is extremely likely that it does play at least some part in my current responses to other events where things fall out of my control.   Maybe I was always a control freak, it just wasn't as obvious when there weren't periods of such massive change going on and as such the weird behaviour never really got to raise it's odd little head so often.  This could lead to the conclusion that maybe I just need to get over myself and get my act together :)

Oh crap, I just sneezed.  It's time to go and get a good sleep and hopefully wake up germ free in the morning.. I guess I'll save getting my act together for another day...