Trying Something New

This year has marked a number of big changes for me.

Last year didn't work for me and I went away at Christmas with a whole lot of homework to think about what I actually want from my life.  I came home with some ideas that I started to put into place when I came home.  I realised pretty quickly that the plan I started in the early weeks wasn't going work - I wasn't going to be personally happy - the things that were weighing me down would still be there and not much would have changed.

I had started the process last year.  Looking for something new in a lot of aspects of my life.  Part of that was how I was going to look after me.  I spoke to friends with chronic illnesses to see what was working for them.  I spoke to friends who'd been broken and were fixed and quizzed them.  I went to see everyone that they recommended.

I spent six months talking to a shrink.  I think it helped me for that moment.  Helped make sure that I didn't end up back in the darkness.  The panic attacks came back for a while. (I'm not sure if I've ever talked about that before - they were there in the beginning.  If I haven't talked about them - I will soon)  I ended up in hospital one night.  Very few people knew.  It was a shock to me - physical pain as a response to panic.  It was new and an indicator that I couldn't just keep it to myself and just 'suck it up'. The masks were starting to crack.  I'd schedule according to what I could cope with and I worked at night away from people so I could keep my mind busy and take time out when I needed it.  The fear of being found out was enough to hide the darkness.  The work was technical enough that it could hold my focus and I could hide in it.

I'm really good at masks.  I hold it in.  I don't like people to see weakness and I don't like being told what to do when I feel like this.  I know what to do, I'm not an idiot.  Knowing what to do and actually doing it are different.  People who have been here will know what I mean.  I didn't need someone to solve my problems.  I needed someone to help me understand my problems so that I could work out how to feel better.

It was the first step in looking for someone that I could talk to about what was coming next.  Facilitating me to work out what it is that I wanted when all I could figure out was what I didn't want.  I didn't go back after a while.

I guess I ended up learning more about me, and more about what I could do from business coaching.  I think a lot of that came from the person that I worked with.  The right things at the right time.  What I needed to take that next step.  What started with in this process isn't where I ended up.  I'm on a completely different path now.  It's a little scary out here - it's all new - but I'm gaining confidence that I can navigate this journey.  I'm sure that I'll make some mistakes as I continue to figure out what I want and need and adjust the journey.

On the work side, I'm winding down my business.  I've accepted a full time job.  I've already seen a massive reduction in hours.  The panic wakes me sometimes in the middle of the night with all of the things that I need to do that I didn't stay up half the night working on, but I'm becoming more accepting of the fact that I can't be everything to everyone and sometimes people will be disappointed when I say 'no'.  It's been a bit confronting too.  Spending more time in my own head.  That can't be good, right?  Probably not - but until I spend more time with myself without the work focus, I'll never figure anything out.

On the body side, I'm a regular at acupuncture and have started with my seat buddy's sister.   So far, she's the genius that has been claimed.  Her knowledge of ortho is amazing and she isn't afraid to use it to help me see continuous improvement.  I have some big goals and I'm pretty sure that she'll see me to them.    It gives me hope that there is more for me.  Even after all of the amazing results that I have - I've realised that there is more.  I do want to do more.  I want to try these things that I haven't done before that I've always said that I didn't want to do.

It's a new world out there and there is a lot to learn.