People who haven't seen me in a few weeks are commenting on differences.
I feel different. I just wasn't sure that translated into something more visible to the outside world. Something positive. My pilates / physio team can see the difference and are working with me to push the boundaries even further out. That's exciting. I'm not sure if exciting is the right word. Awe is a little closer. Maybe wonder? Or maybe it's just the anticipation. Kind of like that anticipation that you get before Christmas as a child - wondering what Santa might bring.
I'm starting to notice that I'm just more comfortable in my body. It feels like it's doing what it's supposed to do. The getting up and down off the ground is the biggest thing for me. It's something that I don't remember ever doing - it opens up a whole lot of things that I've never really done before.
Sometimes I catch myself with the realisation that something that I've done for a long time is just that little bit easier.
My knees are coping a little bit better.
Swelling on my knees and ankles is reducing (and I can't recall it ever having done that)
Sometimes I'm just bouncy.
Last Friday, I went to a meditation class. Something that I never would have done before. How could I? I'm sure there are some that would have accommodated my lack of ability to get down to the floor, though that isn't something that I would ever have wanted. I've never wanted to be seen to be different or require special assistance. It was always better not to participate - not to let people know - not to be a burden - not to let anyone see weakness - maybe a touch of pride.
There have been a few people that I've spoken to about this big thing. Some don't see it as such a big thing. I guess the novelty of knowing someone that has had both hips replaced has worn off and my achievements aren't that exciting for them anymore. I kind of wonder if they ever were. It's ok though. I don't need that external validation. I feel good. It can be lonely at times when there isn't someone to talk to about what is going on with me but it's something that I'm ok with. I'm ok with it because I don't know where this is going to take me but I'm looking forward to finding out.
Showing posts with label Future Plans. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Future Plans. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Trying Something New
This year has marked a number of big changes for me.
Last year didn't work for me and I went away at Christmas with a whole lot of homework to think about what I actually want from my life. I came home with some ideas that I started to put into place when I came home. I realised pretty quickly that the plan I started in the early weeks wasn't going work - I wasn't going to be personally happy - the things that were weighing me down would still be there and not much would have changed.
I had started the process last year. Looking for something new in a lot of aspects of my life. Part of that was how I was going to look after me. I spoke to friends with chronic illnesses to see what was working for them. I spoke to friends who'd been broken and were fixed and quizzed them. I went to see everyone that they recommended.
I spent six months talking to a shrink. I think it helped me for that moment. Helped make sure that I didn't end up back in the darkness. The panic attacks came back for a while. (I'm not sure if I've ever talked about that before - they were there in the beginning. If I haven't talked about them - I will soon) I ended up in hospital one night. Very few people knew. It was a shock to me - physical pain as a response to panic. It was new and an indicator that I couldn't just keep it to myself and just 'suck it up'. The masks were starting to crack. I'd schedule according to what I could cope with and I worked at night away from people so I could keep my mind busy and take time out when I needed it. The fear of being found out was enough to hide the darkness. The work was technical enough that it could hold my focus and I could hide in it.
I'm really good at masks. I hold it in. I don't like people to see weakness and I don't like being told what to do when I feel like this. I know what to do, I'm not an idiot. Knowing what to do and actually doing it are different. People who have been here will know what I mean. I didn't need someone to solve my problems. I needed someone to help me understand my problems so that I could work out how to feel better.
It was the first step in looking for someone that I could talk to about what was coming next. Facilitating me to work out what it is that I wanted when all I could figure out was what I didn't want. I didn't go back after a while.
I guess I ended up learning more about me, and more about what I could do from business coaching. I think a lot of that came from the person that I worked with. The right things at the right time. What I needed to take that next step. What started with in this process isn't where I ended up. I'm on a completely different path now. It's a little scary out here - it's all new - but I'm gaining confidence that I can navigate this journey. I'm sure that I'll make some mistakes as I continue to figure out what I want and need and adjust the journey.
On the work side, I'm winding down my business. I've accepted a full time job. I've already seen a massive reduction in hours. The panic wakes me sometimes in the middle of the night with all of the things that I need to do that I didn't stay up half the night working on, but I'm becoming more accepting of the fact that I can't be everything to everyone and sometimes people will be disappointed when I say 'no'. It's been a bit confronting too. Spending more time in my own head. That can't be good, right? Probably not - but until I spend more time with myself without the work focus, I'll never figure anything out.
On the body side, I'm a regular at acupuncture and have started with my seat buddy's sister. So far, she's the genius that has been claimed. Her knowledge of ortho is amazing and she isn't afraid to use it to help me see continuous improvement. I have some big goals and I'm pretty sure that she'll see me to them. It gives me hope that there is more for me. Even after all of the amazing results that I have - I've realised that there is more. I do want to do more. I want to try these things that I haven't done before that I've always said that I didn't want to do.
It's a new world out there and there is a lot to learn.
Last year didn't work for me and I went away at Christmas with a whole lot of homework to think about what I actually want from my life. I came home with some ideas that I started to put into place when I came home. I realised pretty quickly that the plan I started in the early weeks wasn't going work - I wasn't going to be personally happy - the things that were weighing me down would still be there and not much would have changed.
I had started the process last year. Looking for something new in a lot of aspects of my life. Part of that was how I was going to look after me. I spoke to friends with chronic illnesses to see what was working for them. I spoke to friends who'd been broken and were fixed and quizzed them. I went to see everyone that they recommended.
I spent six months talking to a shrink. I think it helped me for that moment. Helped make sure that I didn't end up back in the darkness. The panic attacks came back for a while. (I'm not sure if I've ever talked about that before - they were there in the beginning. If I haven't talked about them - I will soon) I ended up in hospital one night. Very few people knew. It was a shock to me - physical pain as a response to panic. It was new and an indicator that I couldn't just keep it to myself and just 'suck it up'. The masks were starting to crack. I'd schedule according to what I could cope with and I worked at night away from people so I could keep my mind busy and take time out when I needed it. The fear of being found out was enough to hide the darkness. The work was technical enough that it could hold my focus and I could hide in it.
I'm really good at masks. I hold it in. I don't like people to see weakness and I don't like being told what to do when I feel like this. I know what to do, I'm not an idiot. Knowing what to do and actually doing it are different. People who have been here will know what I mean. I didn't need someone to solve my problems. I needed someone to help me understand my problems so that I could work out how to feel better.
It was the first step in looking for someone that I could talk to about what was coming next. Facilitating me to work out what it is that I wanted when all I could figure out was what I didn't want. I didn't go back after a while.
I guess I ended up learning more about me, and more about what I could do from business coaching. I think a lot of that came from the person that I worked with. The right things at the right time. What I needed to take that next step. What started with in this process isn't where I ended up. I'm on a completely different path now. It's a little scary out here - it's all new - but I'm gaining confidence that I can navigate this journey. I'm sure that I'll make some mistakes as I continue to figure out what I want and need and adjust the journey.
On the work side, I'm winding down my business. I've accepted a full time job. I've already seen a massive reduction in hours. The panic wakes me sometimes in the middle of the night with all of the things that I need to do that I didn't stay up half the night working on, but I'm becoming more accepting of the fact that I can't be everything to everyone and sometimes people will be disappointed when I say 'no'. It's been a bit confronting too. Spending more time in my own head. That can't be good, right? Probably not - but until I spend more time with myself without the work focus, I'll never figure anything out.
On the body side, I'm a regular at acupuncture and have started with my seat buddy's sister. So far, she's the genius that has been claimed. Her knowledge of ortho is amazing and she isn't afraid to use it to help me see continuous improvement. I have some big goals and I'm pretty sure that she'll see me to them. It gives me hope that there is more for me. Even after all of the amazing results that I have - I've realised that there is more. I do want to do more. I want to try these things that I haven't done before that I've always said that I didn't want to do.
It's a new world out there and there is a lot to learn.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Body Leader of the Month
Hey check me out, I've been awarded the title of Body Leader of the Month!
I've answered some different questions as part of the interview than I've covered here in the past so the article might be interesting to you.
A couple of notes about the article and pics:
Yes, Lori is short for Lorraine. It's funny how different people know you by different parts of your name. My husband calls me Lorraine (just as I use his full name rather than Mike as just about everyone else calls him) and this usually extends to certain groups of people where I've been introduced by him, or introduced where my 'legal' name has been provided. My brothers and sister still refer to me as Rain. One of my best friends used to call me Miss Rainee and that's now Mrs Rainee since I've been married. Mostly though people call me Lori. It's a lot easier to spell for people, too!
For the locals, you should be able to spot the venue of the first picture. This was my very first outing and I wanted it to be somewhere that I felt safe so it's somewhere that I spend a fair amount of time. You can see my crutches in the picture. If you can guess where it is, there might even be a prize for you!
The Pilates picture is actually from this morning. We took a whole series of them and I'll post some more of them here. This is a picture of roll ins from curls (bridges). I've been doing these for a little while and think that some of the other exercises are a little more impressive, so I'll post those soon!
The final picture is from the hospital when I was first learning to walk again. At this time I was still using the rollater so there was a fair amount of weight being put through my hands on the rails to walk. The white lines helped me with my alignment. There was a lot of looking down and focusing on my feet while I was walking within the rails. In the beginning it almost felt like the messages from my brain didn't get through to my feet unless I looked really hard at them! (That plan doesn't really work all the time. Sometimes you can look really hard at the offending limb and it still won't move. They do now, so that's the main thing!)
I've answered some different questions as part of the interview than I've covered here in the past so the article might be interesting to you.
A couple of notes about the article and pics:
Yes, Lori is short for Lorraine. It's funny how different people know you by different parts of your name. My husband calls me Lorraine (just as I use his full name rather than Mike as just about everyone else calls him) and this usually extends to certain groups of people where I've been introduced by him, or introduced where my 'legal' name has been provided. My brothers and sister still refer to me as Rain. One of my best friends used to call me Miss Rainee and that's now Mrs Rainee since I've been married. Mostly though people call me Lori. It's a lot easier to spell for people, too!
For the locals, you should be able to spot the venue of the first picture. This was my very first outing and I wanted it to be somewhere that I felt safe so it's somewhere that I spend a fair amount of time. You can see my crutches in the picture. If you can guess where it is, there might even be a prize for you!
The Pilates picture is actually from this morning. We took a whole series of them and I'll post some more of them here. This is a picture of roll ins from curls (bridges). I've been doing these for a little while and think that some of the other exercises are a little more impressive, so I'll post those soon!
The final picture is from the hospital when I was first learning to walk again. At this time I was still using the rollater so there was a fair amount of weight being put through my hands on the rails to walk. The white lines helped me with my alignment. There was a lot of looking down and focusing on my feet while I was walking within the rails. In the beginning it almost felt like the messages from my brain didn't get through to my feet unless I looked really hard at them! (That plan doesn't really work all the time. Sometimes you can look really hard at the offending limb and it still won't move. They do now, so that's the main thing!)
Monday, March 21, 2011
It's no big deal, right?
Wrong.
This is a Big F***ing Deal. Just because everyone ends up getting bits and pieces replaced doesn't make it less of a BFD to me.
The actual op itself - it's not a BFD. Yes I have considered the risks of {read this bit very fast} going under general anaesthetic, like, hey, not waking up; or them getting in there and finding out that the BMHR isn't going to work out and it needs to be a total hip; or complications during surgery meaning only one gets done; or the possible post op complications like clots; or the acetabular cup not being placed 'just so' and the metal wear causing pseudo-tumours, having to take antibiotics every time I go to the dentist for the rest of my life, or possibly setting off every metal detector I walk through again and ending up in secondary inspection *deep breath* (and spoken very slowly with finality) Yes - I can not be late to the airport *ever* again.
It's not a BFD for any of these reasons.
It's a BFD because it is going to improve my quality of life.
It might not seem to be a BFD to those who have never struggled with chronic pain (oh how I wish to share, just for a few minutes, just so they know what it feels like to stand still and think about moving in a normal range of movement and to feel the pain the first time - I know that is truly evil - but how else do you gain understanding without experience? *innocent face*)
What's the old saying 'Want to walk a mile in my shoes?' Apparently then you'll understand... Hang on a second here - that's not possible? Who wants to walk a mile anyway right? You lucky F'er, you get to be lazy. Maybe I do... maybe I don't.... maybe I just want the actual choice to walk a mile should I ever want to.
Maybe it's not a BFD to those who think that it isn't a BFD to deal with with what I deal with now. I guess you could be forgiven for thinking that. I hide it well. There are very few that even catch a glimpse of it. I do the things I need to do to maximise what I can do (Sometimes, I know, I'm not very good at doing *everything* that I could be doing - but that's life. Sometimes you just do what you can), so most of the time, I just look like the regular stressed worker bee, no different from any other worker bee. When I'm not, I hibernate, away from the world or find reasons to remain seated, or move when no-one is watching or thousands of other little 'things' I've learnt to protect myself.
The rest of you out in the world just get to think that I'm leaving early because I'm no fun at the party, I'm lazy and catching a cab instead of walking a mile, I'm too busy to go to the event that I'd actually love to go to but there won't be any seating, I look tired all of the time because I don't sleep (and yet I really have but it's never enough). I bet these same people have never seen me tie my own shoelaces either. Come to think of it, have you ever seen me wear shoes with laces? No - probably not - you know why? I can't do them up. There's more and it's equally humiliating, but does it really matter? No. You know why you don't hear about it? It's not worth complaining about - It Just Is. There are people worse off. There are people who can't just go get this fixed. They aren't looking for sympathy and neither am I. I live my life to the best I can and now it's time to move past it - management is no longer the solution.
I'm not looking for sympathy, just maybe a little understanding so that you can share my excitement. (To all you dumb asses that think that understanding is the same as sympathy, please go to last sentence in this post).
This is exciting. This is going to be a new life for me. Things that I've not been able to do since I was eleven. Imagine that. Wow. How can you not see my enthusiasm and be excited for me? Even with all the worst case scenarios, the worst case, is still better than a bad day.
<MorbidHumour> providing that I do wake up from general and get a blood clot - but hey the odds of that are probably lower than getting hit by a bus and hey that hasn't happened yet</MorbidHumour> The prognosis is excellent. I've learnt a lot from my journey. I know I can do this. I know that I will conquer rehab. I know that there are new, exciting things happening and they are going to happen this year.
C'mon, who hasn't seen a child take joy in doing something simple for the first time. How awesome would it be to know what you know now and still get to take the joy in something as simple as tying shoelaces (ok, maybe I'm going a little overboard with the comparison since I still remember how to tie a bow - but come on think about it). Little things that other people take for granted are a big deal? Dropped something on the ground and being able to pick it up!! [Side note: Believe me, I have walked away from dropped coins before and then other times looked at the dropped item and almost cried, realising that I can't just walk away and I have no fricking idea on how I am going to pick it up while stubbornly swiping and attempt to grasp the offending item. Sometimes ingeniousness is required when you need another item like a key or something in your handbag for that extra reach to tip it up against something and slowly raise it up against something so it stands a little higher while you silently pray that no one is watching this pathetic attempt. (Please note this can end up horribly - key and credit card on the ground - lol - if you've been here with me at some point in your life, you've got to laugh, otherwise this is the tears moment!)]
Let's step it up a bit. Want to live without the need for persistent pain medication and miss out on the side order of stomach ulcers? Want to ride a bike? Or maybe going swimming in the ocean? Going to a concert and being in the 'mosh pit'? Or maybe just being able to walk to school (or work!). Want to catch a bus or a tram at the end of the day? Hell, want to get out of a chair at the end of the day? Go on a long walk? Or just a walk to the corner store? Sit on the floor and get up again? [Side note: It won't happen overnight, but it will happen (haha)]
Want to have the choice to do any of these things and more?
To those who think that isn't a BFD - well -
Go Jump!
This is a Big F***ing Deal. Just because everyone ends up getting bits and pieces replaced doesn't make it less of a BFD to me.
The actual op itself - it's not a BFD. Yes I have considered the risks of {read this bit very fast} going under general anaesthetic, like, hey, not waking up; or them getting in there and finding out that the BMHR isn't going to work out and it needs to be a total hip; or complications during surgery meaning only one gets done; or the possible post op complications like clots; or the acetabular cup not being placed 'just so' and the metal wear causing pseudo-tumours, having to take antibiotics every time I go to the dentist for the rest of my life, or possibly setting off every metal detector I walk through again and ending up in secondary inspection *deep breath* (and spoken very slowly with finality) Yes - I can not be late to the airport *ever* again.
It's not a BFD for any of these reasons.
It's a BFD because it is going to improve my quality of life.
It might not seem to be a BFD to those who have never struggled with chronic pain (oh how I wish to share, just for a few minutes, just so they know what it feels like to stand still and think about moving in a normal range of movement and to feel the pain the first time - I know that is truly evil - but how else do you gain understanding without experience? *innocent face*)
What's the old saying 'Want to walk a mile in my shoes?' Apparently then you'll understand... Hang on a second here - that's not possible? Who wants to walk a mile anyway right? You lucky F'er, you get to be lazy. Maybe I do... maybe I don't.... maybe I just want the actual choice to walk a mile should I ever want to.
Maybe it's not a BFD to those who think that it isn't a BFD to deal with with what I deal with now. I guess you could be forgiven for thinking that. I hide it well. There are very few that even catch a glimpse of it. I do the things I need to do to maximise what I can do (Sometimes, I know, I'm not very good at doing *everything* that I could be doing - but that's life. Sometimes you just do what you can), so most of the time, I just look like the regular stressed worker bee, no different from any other worker bee. When I'm not, I hibernate, away from the world or find reasons to remain seated, or move when no-one is watching or thousands of other little 'things' I've learnt to protect myself.
The rest of you out in the world just get to think that I'm leaving early because I'm no fun at the party, I'm lazy and catching a cab instead of walking a mile, I'm too busy to go to the event that I'd actually love to go to but there won't be any seating, I look tired all of the time because I don't sleep (and yet I really have but it's never enough). I bet these same people have never seen me tie my own shoelaces either. Come to think of it, have you ever seen me wear shoes with laces? No - probably not - you know why? I can't do them up. There's more and it's equally humiliating, but does it really matter? No. You know why you don't hear about it? It's not worth complaining about - It Just Is. There are people worse off. There are people who can't just go get this fixed. They aren't looking for sympathy and neither am I. I live my life to the best I can and now it's time to move past it - management is no longer the solution.
I'm not looking for sympathy, just maybe a little understanding so that you can share my excitement. (To all you dumb asses that think that understanding is the same as sympathy, please go to last sentence in this post).
This is exciting. This is going to be a new life for me. Things that I've not been able to do since I was eleven. Imagine that. Wow. How can you not see my enthusiasm and be excited for me? Even with all the worst case scenarios, the worst case, is still better than a bad day.
<MorbidHumour> providing that I do wake up from general and get a blood clot - but hey the odds of that are probably lower than getting hit by a bus and hey that hasn't happened yet</MorbidHumour> The prognosis is excellent. I've learnt a lot from my journey. I know I can do this. I know that I will conquer rehab. I know that there are new, exciting things happening and they are going to happen this year.
C'mon, who hasn't seen a child take joy in doing something simple for the first time. How awesome would it be to know what you know now and still get to take the joy in something as simple as tying shoelaces (ok, maybe I'm going a little overboard with the comparison since I still remember how to tie a bow - but come on think about it). Little things that other people take for granted are a big deal? Dropped something on the ground and being able to pick it up!! [Side note: Believe me, I have walked away from dropped coins before and then other times looked at the dropped item and almost cried, realising that I can't just walk away and I have no fricking idea on how I am going to pick it up while stubbornly swiping and attempt to grasp the offending item. Sometimes ingeniousness is required when you need another item like a key or something in your handbag for that extra reach to tip it up against something and slowly raise it up against something so it stands a little higher while you silently pray that no one is watching this pathetic attempt. (Please note this can end up horribly - key and credit card on the ground - lol - if you've been here with me at some point in your life, you've got to laugh, otherwise this is the tears moment!)]
Let's step it up a bit. Want to live without the need for persistent pain medication and miss out on the side order of stomach ulcers? Want to ride a bike? Or maybe going swimming in the ocean? Going to a concert and being in the 'mosh pit'? Or maybe just being able to walk to school (or work!). Want to catch a bus or a tram at the end of the day? Hell, want to get out of a chair at the end of the day? Go on a long walk? Or just a walk to the corner store? Sit on the floor and get up again? [Side note: It won't happen overnight, but it will happen (haha)]
Want to have the choice to do any of these things and more?
To those who think that isn't a BFD - well -
Go Jump!
Friday, March 11, 2011
Getting my life in order
Much of the last week was spent on tasks not directly related to the surgery. Once I had made the decision to proceed, there were a lot of housekeeping items that I have decided needed to be taken care of before the 'big day'. This will be the start of a new phase of my life and the 'old' needs to be finished and left behind as well. This is the really boring stuff, like going to the accountant and getting the taxes up to date, checking into all our insurances to make sure we have the best options for us at this point in our lives, unpacking a few more boxes that have been sitting in our new house since we moved in twelve months ago and other such 'fun' tasks I am sure most people are familiar with. It is highly unlikely that I will be inspired to work on these tasks whilst focusing on recovery since I have done so well in putting them off over the last few years, so maybe it's about time that I get my whole life in order and start fresh, not weighted down by the 'old stuff'.
In the decision making process, there were a lot of things to consider about what I want from my future and I think that in part, the things that held off moving towards making these things happen is the 'old stuff' that hangs around and becomes an excuse to stay in the same place (metaphorically). I'm not quite sure of there was a single catalyst was to start down this path or if it was a number of reasons that I have collected over the last few years that I am sure that when I figure it out, it will be a good story to tell. At that point though I hope to have all of the boxes unpacked and well on the way down the bright and shiny path.
In the decision making process, there were a lot of things to consider about what I want from my future and I think that in part, the things that held off moving towards making these things happen is the 'old stuff' that hangs around and becomes an excuse to stay in the same place (metaphorically). I'm not quite sure of there was a single catalyst was to start down this path or if it was a number of reasons that I have collected over the last few years that I am sure that when I figure it out, it will be a good story to tell. At that point though I hope to have all of the boxes unpacked and well on the way down the bright and shiny path.
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