The girl in the video...

I cried for her today as I watched the videos of her learning to walk again. 

She was taking small steps.  Carefully placing each foot on the masking tape line as she took each step while she held onto the rails either side of her that supported some of her weight so the whole effort was even possible.

Mostly there was a look I'd call resigned. I couldn't see the determination behind her eyes that I expected to see as she took each step...  Over and over again.

It hurt to watch.  I went forward a few months as she walked with a cane.  Barely a walk.  It was uncomfortable to watch.  I thought I could still see resignation - none of the desire to do more that should have been there. There was a moment in one where she jokes with the person filming and I see a spark of personality...  Something that I couldn't see in any of the other clips.

I kept going forward to where she walks without the cane and the walk still doesn't look natural.  I think about her thoughts that it might be the best she could ever be as the person filming her encourages her to lift her knees just a little more and tells her she's done well.

I cried because I felt the pain, the fear, the darkness, all of the emotions from those experiences when I watched her.  She feels like a stranger, a person that doesn't exist anymore that has no bearing on who I am now.  It's only now that I see her as a stranger that I feel compassion for her, feel that she is worthy of having someone listen to her fears and share her triumphs.

I'm not even sure how I got to where I was in the last video taken in 2012 to where I am today.  What I'm really not sure of is how some of the people who are closest to me haven't noticed the difference.  

I'm even more proud of what I've accomplished in the last few months when I look back and see exactly how far I've really come and I wonder where I could be and what I'll see in a few years when I look back at where I am today.  I hope I feel joy and strength and know that it is mine and that I am worthy of it.

Three Years Post-Op

Today I had my checkup with my surgeon.  I'm three years down the track and he's happy with my progress.  I don't have to go back for another two years now.

It's a great result.

It's a little weird though that something that has been so important in my life is now just a checkup every few years.  Physically it is the best possible outcome.  The journey though has taken me through some really tough times and at some level, fundamentally changed the way that I look at the world.

The main goal that I had going in was that I wanted the chronic, persistent pain to be gone.  As I read back over the blog posts, I'm sure there was more that I could say - for fear of failing.  So long as I got through and life was better than it was before - that would be a successful outcome.

And it is - and so much more.

The whole process has been a catalyst for major change in my life.

It's that turning point where I realised that there were people in my life who were only there because I could help them.  When it was my turn, they didn't like it and it caused all manner of grief.

I realised that I didn't have to live with pain.   Physical or otherwise.  While it's part of the human condition to have inner struggles, I don't think I accept my 'lot' in life as much as I used to.  I can do more - it's now my choice, I'm not as limited by these physical constraints that provided an excuse, a protection from the world.   I've struggled with depression - I've seen a few shrinks - sought out alternate therapies - found a new way.  There have been a few people in this journey who I will be forever grateful to.  They don't even know how important their role has been in sending me off in a new direction.  One day I might tell them - but for now - it's still my adventure.

All I can say is that the whole process was definitely worthwhile.  I've gotten my life back.  It's not the life I probably had planned - it could even be better.

Friday Pilates

We took a few pictures at Pilates on Friday to submit to Body Leadership for the article that was being published for Body Leader of the Month.   I'm not sure if the one on the left is leg circles or adductor stretching.

In the next, each leg take turns in pushing forward while the other lifts.

I've talked about the next exercise in a pre-op post about Pilates. (Long Spine) I just started this one again on Friday.  Controlling the movement fluidly is a little more difficult that pre-op but still feels really great.   It is working that troublesome glute really well!  There is another one were I am lying on a box on my stomach facing the left (towards the picture of the skeleton on the wall that you can see in the first picture) but I haven't included that one - it truly is the definition of a bad picture!  The increase in the amount of exercises that I can do changes dramatically from week to week and things that I didn't like and weren't comfortable with pre-op aren't all that bad anymore.

In particular if you remember my intense dislike to the reverse knee pulls, well, that's changed.  It isn't that much of an issue any more.  I thought it was because I didn't feel comfortable looking down at the ground thinking that I would fall flat on my face.  I guess it must have been just general discomfort that I wasn't interpreting correctly.

I'm also back on the foam roller and balancing quite well.  I tried this exercise with both arms up off the ground at the same time but I'm not quite stable enough for that yet and get a little wobbly.  Maybe by next week I will have the strength back that I require!

I'm back on the bosu as well.  I can stand and do squats and also from standing transfer weight from side to side.  I stood pretty close to the wall when I got onto the bosu since though I really wanted to try it out and see if I was ready yet, I didn't want to fall on my ass either!

Friday was a very productive session.  I am starting to see how much more I will be able to progress past what I was able to do pre-op.   There are a few exercises that I was doing about six years ago that I am yet to try again but I think that I will be quickly moving on to more that I wasn't able to do at all.   One of the main that I was able to do back then requires me to stand on the reformer (one leg on the bit that I'm laying on in the top pictures and one on the other where the wooden panel and the feet support it - the bar bit goes down).  I'm not quite comfortable with the idea of getting up there just yet but I'm sure after a few more times on the bosu, I'll gain enough confidence to get up there and give it a go.  I don't think that the exercise itself will be difficult for me in the slightest, it's just being that far off the ground that I'm not quite 'good' with yet.  I'll keep you all posted!

The week in review

For the first couple of days this week my lower back has been a little bit sore.  I had some trigger pointing on Monday which released it but it was pretty quick to tighten up again.  I've kept moving and applying heat when I'm seated and it has helped.  I think it might be a combination of not setting my core properly for the whole pilates session or compensation and adjustments due to changing my cane to my left hand.

I'm not sure if I covered the change to the left hand for the cane.  It has been just over a week that we decided to give that a go.  My walking isn't good enough for no support at all when I'm out of the house and walking distances but I don't need very much assistance anymore.  As my left leg has become the stronger side with more range we have swapped over.  I walk a little straighter holding it in my left hand but it feels a little odd.  The positive is that it feels a little odd in both hands now that I'm not really using it a great deal around the house.  A couple of times I've opened the front door to go out and realised as I went to lock up that I didn't have the cane with me.  It is progress.

So the focus of my daily exercises, hydro and pilates is to bring the right side up to scratch, focus on setting the core and getting the right glute firing as well as the left.  Alignment is taking a lot of concentration as I learn where everything should go.  I've spoken about this quite a bit in the last few months and it is still something I am conscious of all of the time.  Well, maybe not when I wake in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom or am in a hurry somewhere but most of the time.

I do wonder if maybe I didn't do enough glute squeezes when I was in hospital.  As I've progressed and hospital was so long ago, I do question whether I did enough.  If I look back through the old posts, I don't think I had the energy to do much more but you always wonder about these types of things.  I have to add a few more in to the repertoire.  I learnt a new way at Pilates on Friday.  Laying on my stomach with my knees apart at neutral and bent so my heels are in the air.  The heels are together like frog feet.  Then its squeeze, hold, release patterns.  Both sides and then one at a time.  Funny things is, that in that position, I can actually really feel the difference between the left and the right.  I can't remember what the name of them is so I can find a better description of what it is.  I'll ask again next Friday and try find a picture as I really don't think that I've given you a proper description.

Though it's been busy, I am pretty happy with how life is turning out.  Even though I'm not there yet and there are a lot of unknowns, I do feel that I am on the right path in my life for the first time in a very long time.  There is a couple of people who seem to think that I should be miserable and trying to find issue with things.  I think this comes from the fact that things are very different from how they used to be.  I have been focused on what I need to do to get the best results possible out of the surgery and this has meant that I haven't always been available to others.  I was usually the one that could always be relied upon to do what everyone else wanted me to do.  Now that I am focused on me instead of them, there must be something wrong.  I am busy and I have a lot to deal with but I am fine to do that on my own.  When I'm up to it, I need to work in the spaces between rehab activities.  I need to make sure that I'm preparing healthy meals and eating well.  I need to get enough sleep.  I need to be engaging my brain and getting back into things.  There isn't too much time left over after that.  After a period of time things will normalise a bit more and I won't need as much rest on weekends to catchup and rejuvenate and I'll value that extra time a bit more than I used to.  I don't think I've become particularly selfish.  Just enough to be healthy.

Thursday wasn't very fun.  My husband's iMac blew up.  (Well my iMac but there is some question of ownership since I have claimed the MacBook Air!  I suppose it is his now it has been in his office since I got the 27" iMac at the start of last year and possession is nine-tenths of the law, right?  By that logic, I'm on the Air now typing my blog post, so it's really mine right?)  That was a truly tragic day.  There are still other Macs around but this one just can't be replaced.  It's one of the 24" aluminium case ones that they don't make anymore.  My husband's office seemed so sad without it.  It was taken to the doctors and we didn't have a huge amount of hope as to its recovery as the magic smoke had been released after a bit of a bang and that bad computer smell that happens when bad things happen.  Usually there is no coming back from that.  Somehow, this Mac was special and is alive again.  I don't know how but I am thankful!

With the resurrection of the iMac, a switched off telephone and an afternoon nap, today was a good day.  I ruffled a few feathers to have a time out day today to spend with my husband but it is worth it.  With so much going on, I need to remember not to take time for granted and continue to make my priorities a little closer to home.  There has been no 'big issue' to prompt this revelation.  It started with the closure of the last business that I worked for and has progressively become more of a mission.   This was part of the catalyst to do the surgery this year.  It might seem a little bit of a drastic response to the end of a job and it is a little bit more than that.  It is a new start and my body wasn't really up to a new start without the surgery.

I finally received my leave entitlements from the liquidator on Thursday and banked the cheque.  It was a little reminder to stick to my mission.   I did end up doing a rather long day that same day as the young girl at work resigned without notice leaving a rather large mess of uncompleted work.  I was happy to help out and the balance for it today was not doing any work.  I need to be careful not to sacrifice my recovery for work or health.  There are only so many hours in the day and some things will need to be sacrificed, just not anything that will cause me not to reach the full potential of the new joints.

I'm not sure what the plans are for the weekend.  There is likely to be a big sleep in and possibly a coffee run and a hunt for JaMocha Almond Fudge (my latest Baskin Robbins favourite).

Progress Update

This morning I got out of the pool using the steps.  This wasn't something that I could do pre-op so it's a pretty big step (literally and figuratively!).  I led with the left which is the side with the greater range.  I did need to pull up a little with my arms until my right foot was about 30 cm from the pool floor.  From that point on, there was more weight through the left leg to bring the right side up.  I went up step at a time with the same side so the next goal will be to alternate and then to start with the right leg up.

Next week I'm going to start pilates again.  I was cleared by my physio to do this a couple of weeks ago but I wasn't quite ready for the getting up and down off the floor.  The actual exercises I was and am looking forward to.   It means that I'll probably miss out on hydro for a week or two while I realign all my appointment times to fit everything in.  I'll still go to the pool on its new day - it will just be on my own until everything fits together properly.

Things I can and can't do

Things that I can do, that are getting easier but are still difficult:

• Reaching down to pick up anything off the floor.  It all depends on the height of the item.  Paper is still out.  So is the lid for the butter that always seems to land face down.  It seems like I drop a lot more things than I used to or is it just that I notice it more?
• Lifting my legs in and out of the car.  Still feels like it should belong to part of a workout.
• Holding my legs in the air....  Why would anyone need to do this?  The only reason that I can think of is because it is on a list of exercises to do.  I can't really think of how this might fit into day to day life on a G rated blog!
• Getting socks on.  Requires the use of the reacher still.  Once the toes are in though, it is heaps easier to get them over my heels.
• Getting up of a low seat.  I am still using the toilet seat raiser in the toilet at home, not because I have to, more because it's still a pain to get up and down, especially at night when I'm half asleep.  Given that I am out a fair bit now and using regular height toilets quite frequently, I'm not in a huge hurry to get rid of it completely.
• Getting to the pool from the car park...  this still feels like a really big walk.  I've been using two crutches but tomorrow, I think I'm going to have a crack at using the cane.  I'll keep the crutches in the car, where they have been for the last couple of weeks, just in case I need them.  
• Getting onto the elliptical.  That step up still seems huge. The step to get into the ladies toilets at work is still a bigger effort...  a much bigger but required effort!
• Putting on pants.  For the benefit of others this is something that I practice every day!
• Working all day.  I'm getting closer to doing that but I'm still capping out at about 6 hours before I'm totally wrecked.  
• Carrying things.  I still ask for my coffee to be in a takeaway cup when I'm at work as I couldn't carry a cup on a saucer up the stairs to the office.  I am limited to using one hand when I walking outside of the house as I rely on a crutch or cane.  At home, I will walk short distances without and can use both hands to carry light items.

Things that I can't do yet that I'm looking forward to:

• Use the step ladder at the pool.  I couldn't do that pre-op so it's a good range tester
• Wear shoes with laces and tie them myself.  Again, no go pre-op.
• Walking long distances without pain and mobility aids.  By long distance, I mean an entire morning or afternoon shopping without a cane or crutch.  
• Walking without a limp and without a mobility aid

I can't think of too much else to add to the list at the moment.  If anyone has any ideas of day to day activities that I really should comment on, please let me know!