Only Better.
And Yesterday.
Slightly unreasonable expectations.
No matter how much the hippies on http://surfacehippy.info/hiptalk prepared me for those days where everything is all to hard that they had when they first came home, I wasn't quite ready for what it might feel like. I pretty much lost it last night and for most of this morning. I had some dark moments in the hospital but I managed to work through those a little bit better than I was last night and this morning. I knew it was going downhill and I had already booked an appointment to talk to someone on Thursday but I didn't think that I could deal with this for that long. I then tried to get a hold of my GP and couldn't get in until Friday, so I rang the hospital looking for the Occupational Therapist who I liked to give me a referral to someone who I could talk to. She wasn't available but it turned out that the lady that answered the phone is the social worker at the rehab unit and she was able to see me today.
Things started to come together during my first physio session at home. I was working with someone that I have worked with before that has a similar philosophy as I normally do. I say normally given that I haven't quite been myself lately. When I am in that mode and am talking about it - I am positive. When I'm left to my own devices things don't always stay on that path. Apparently I got a good report card which is nice to hear after the 'you are all wrong' physio that I have been seeing for the last week. I lost a bit of momentum without the mini goals that I had in the first two weeks, like trying exercises that I knew I was a way off perfecting to see how close I could get and then trying again the next day and the next. There wasn't any negativity associated with the process. I wasn't failing, I was getting closer. This is the positive attitude that I am looking forward to having back. It might seem a little 'me me me' requiring positive reinforcement all of the time and that isn't entirely wrong. It's not entirely right either. I need to be the one to start with the positive 'hey look see what I can do now' and have a positive response back like 'we'll need to set you some new targets' or 'we are almost ready to fine tune that one and move up' not 'you are doing it all wrong'. I do still need correction and assistance, I just don't need it like that.
Now that I have been assessed and started off with some new exercises, the mini-goals plan will start to be worked upon. We are going to start on this tomorrow and I am hoping that this will help get my mind back into a more positive state. I've been lost over the last week and it's time to get back on track.
Even though the session gave me a bit of a pep, I still needed more and I think that the trip to the social worker helped. She really didn't say anything that I didn't know or hadn't been told before. I also saw the OT as well before hand and that was helpful too especially since I already knew her and respected her. I have heard so many times that this is a massive operation and such a big deal to undertake and the emotion that goes along with it is completely understandable especially since I have such high expectations of myself but I guess it still hasn't sunk in. I got sent home with a book on panic attacks and how to deal with them and maybe a little more confidence that I can deal with this.
I got home and read the panic attack book. It didn't help. Instead I think it almost set one off. I couldn't relate to the examples and though some of the things I was fearing were irrational (like my husband dying or any number of bad things happening to my favourite people) some I think were fair enough (like not going back to work when I should be and the financial implications of that). I made a phone call to the person I was booked to talk to on Thursday and apologised and asked for five minutes on the phone now and it made a difference. It was very similar to some of the things discussed with the social worker but I guess it sunk in a little more this time. Again the effects of the general anaesthetic were raised (that's three times today) which surprised me as I would have thought they'd be long gone by now. I guess this is part of the being hard on myself thing to disregard anything that I might deem an excuse. I don't want to be making excuses. I do need to differentiate the difference between excuses and possible reasons though. It isn't weakness to see that there is a justifiable reason for me feeling this way sometimes. I still need to be held accountable for how I react to it though and this might take a little bit of work yet.
At that point I spoke more with my husband about the things that I feared and could do so a little more calmly and without completely losing it. I think this is the indicator of a big shift from my morning anxiety to a little bit more peace. I hope I can hold it out and get a good night's sleep and that things look just a little brighter again in the morning.
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