2014 in Review and What Comes Next?

A lot has changed in my life in 2014.

There has been an overwhelming sense of accomplishment as well as the associated 'well what now' that inevitably follows completing something that you never thought would ever be possible.  This was the theme of my homework set by Julie for the Christmas holidays.

I'm in Bangkok at the moment on my annual break.  This is something that is only relatively new in my life, taking holidays!  The first year that we came here was in 2010, just before I met with the surgeon for the first time.

Travel was never really that high on my wish list - it was uncomfortable, I suffered for days after the flight with pain and stiffness, I could never do as much as I wanted to and it was just easier not to think too much about it.  I also worked a lot...  like a crazy person in fact.  Work was something I could do, something that I could achieve with.   I'm not entirely sure that I had time from the start of 2000 until 2010 that I could have actually gone on holidays overseas for too long.  This isn't to say I never travelled.  I did a few trips with work in the privilege of business class and no time to do too much that was physically demanding.  (There was that one trip to Vegas...  but that's for a whole other post)

So the last year pre-op I went to a city that I knew people and they knew what I could and couldn't do.  They also didn't feel the need to do too much that was touristy and required too much walking.  Taxis were in abundance and were extremely affordable and I had a holiday that fit in with what I could do.

We now return and the holiday has changed a little - we do walk more.  I still don't go to the gym or the local pilates studio as I promise myself each year as I pack my gym gear but my life is substantially more active than it ever has been before.

So the homework....  to figure out what my 2015 goals are going to be.  In trying to come up with something, I spent a fair bit of time reflecting on the year and what I had actually achieved and what had changed.

The highlights:

• I can get up and down off the floor without leaning on anything above ground level
• I can walk 15km and pull up fine in the morning (I could possibly do more - but it's at that point where I'm kind of bored with being in my own head and just want to do something else)
• I walk and people don't know that I've had hips replaced
• My posture has improved substantially 
• I can wear heels (Hey, I know bad for the body and I've always claimed flats are the way to go but it is nice to dress up some times and slide into a pair of Ferragamo peep-toe heels.  My physio says it's ok on occasion too - so I'm in the clear!)
• I sleep better than I ever have before.  I can exist on substantially less sleep than I ever have before.  I prefer to get more hours and quite often do but I can now wake up in the morning before the alarm and be where I need to be without the 
• I can easily do up my own shoelaces.  I could earlier post-op but it still had it's challenges.  It's now just part of real life these days.
• Getting in and out of car - completely changed - it's so much easier to not slide in like a lady and then bring legs in.  
• General flexibility.  It amazes me sometimes that I don't think twice about picking things up off the ground.  That I can bend and reach.  That my balance has improved.
• I actually like physical activity.  It turns out that my old belief that I didn't was really just a function of what I was physically capable of - not actually what was real.  It surprised me.  

The things I've learned:

• To accept that these great accomplishments just aren't as impressive to others.  The things that I get excited about and have shared with friends have often been met with the blank oh great stares.
• To accept that the most important thing to the outside world is the weight that I've lost.  About 14kg.  I know this is awesome and it's been fun buying a new wardrobe and fitting into things that I haven't worn for years, but to me this is just a nice little positive side effect.  I never did any of this to lose weight.  That was never a factor in any of the decisions I've made.  The strength and new found freedom, the blank stare stuff is just so much more important.

My world has changed.  I'm finding myself.  The person that I never thought that I was.  The person that I never even thought about being because it was so far removed from what my reality was.

I didn't quite make it to figuring out what the goals were.   I started by looking at the suggestion of Kokoda Trail - but it didn't jump out at me.  It's not the distance.  This is a pretty great challenge that meets the criteria of a suitable challenge in that I would require a fair bit of training to be able to achieve the goal, and yet still it's just not quite right.

The Bhutan Trek to Happiness walk as a fundraiser for the Black Dog Institute interested me more - but it wasn't really challenging enough to be a goal for the next stage of my development.  I think I might still do this one day - but it won't be a goal, just something that I'll do for fun.  The fund-raising side to this event would be the biggest challenge.

I'm still looking.  I'm sure it will come to me soon and in the meantime, the search is fun.  I've thought of and found a lot of activities that require another look at now that I have this new found freedom.

Things like:

• Going to an all day music festival and be in the mosh pit at least once.  
• Indoor rock climbing
• Abseiling

If you can think of anymore - please post!!

I'm looking forward to spending more time on this little homework project in the coming weeks.

Bridge to Brisbane

10k Walk - 2 Hours

I did it - another item off the rehab wish list.  I'm not even sure what to say about the whole event just yet - it needs time to sink in.  

I could probably do anything.

The girl in the video...

I cried for her today as I watched the videos of her learning to walk again. 

She was taking small steps.  Carefully placing each foot on the masking tape line as she took each step while she held onto the rails either side of her that supported some of her weight so the whole effort was even possible.

Mostly there was a look I'd call resigned. I couldn't see the determination behind her eyes that I expected to see as she took each step...  Over and over again.

It hurt to watch.  I went forward a few months as she walked with a cane.  Barely a walk.  It was uncomfortable to watch.  I thought I could still see resignation - none of the desire to do more that should have been there. There was a moment in one where she jokes with the person filming and I see a spark of personality...  Something that I couldn't see in any of the other clips.

I kept going forward to where she walks without the cane and the walk still doesn't look natural.  I think about her thoughts that it might be the best she could ever be as the person filming her encourages her to lift her knees just a little more and tells her she's done well.

I cried because I felt the pain, the fear, the darkness, all of the emotions from those experiences when I watched her.  She feels like a stranger, a person that doesn't exist anymore that has no bearing on who I am now.  It's only now that I see her as a stranger that I feel compassion for her, feel that she is worthy of having someone listen to her fears and share her triumphs.

I'm not even sure how I got to where I was in the last video taken in 2012 to where I am today.  What I'm really not sure of is how some of the people who are closest to me haven't noticed the difference.  

I'm even more proud of what I've accomplished in the last few months when I look back and see exactly how far I've really come and I wonder where I could be and what I'll see in a few years when I look back at where I am today.  I hope I feel joy and strength and know that it is mine and that I am worthy of it.

The longest walk...

So far.

Last night I sent out a few messages to people to say hello, to see how they were doing, some who I haven't spoken to in a while.

I woke up quite early and had a few responses, some from people who were online this morning quite early. (Well early for me for a Sunday).  It's been good to catch up with people, to have a life back and some of the interactions have given me a lot to think about.  About my life.  About the changes that I've made for myself.  About the value of being alive, of being healthy and about having the opportunities to do things like, going for a long walk.

So I did.

I started out thinking that I'd go to a little coffee shop near me.  My local is the one thing that I really miss from living in the city.  It was just an elevator ride and maybe 50 meters.  My new local is about 2.2 km away.

What the hell right?  I can do that on the elliptical, so why shouldn't I be able to do this on the ground.  I have walking shoes and need coffee.  So why not.  I can always call a cab if I feel like I can't make it.  There's bus stops all along the way.  I'm not walking through the desert, I can just roam.  I kind of wonder if I hadn't have had all these health issues whether back packing would have been something that I would have enjoyed.  I'm a little spoilt now and like my own shower and bed in a nice clean somewhat upmarket hotel but I think that I could do the adventure a little more.  There's a whole world out there waiting for me to explore.

I started off quite optimistic.  There were some thoughts that it was a little harder than what I thought it would be when I got to the hills...  that's right - plural.   Calves and glutes burning, I made it there.  I took my time to sit, have coffee, some toast with avo and realised, that it wasn't that far.  I did the check around; ankles - good, knees - good, hips - good; and decided that I didn't think I wanted to go back.

There is freedom in just walking.  Time to think.
Time to just wander and be in my own head and be ok with that.

So I kept going.  Stopped at a friend's place another three or so kilometres down the road.  I detoured through a reserve area that has paved paths through the bush land rather than by the busy roadside in one section.  I was the only person out for most of the way so I got to sing out loud and just enjoy being.

It actually amazes me that I enjoyed it.  It's something that I would have always said that I was too lazy to do.  The reality of it is that I couldn't do it and it was just easier to say that I was lazy and didn't want to.

By the time I got there - I needed more water and a seat for a little while but I still checked out.  I kind of think that I could have done another stretch about that distance again.  Maybe not with all of the hills but I still think that I could have kept going.  In the end, I got a lift home.

I'll see how I fare up tomorrow.  I think that the worst of it will be a little sunburn.

Maybe next weekend I should head in another direction.  Split up the trip by 2 - 3 km chunks with a rest break between and just see how far I can get.  Maybe head towards the city this time.  South Bank is about 7 - 8 kilometres.  I can catch a bus home from there.  It's just finding the rest breaks along the way.   I'm sure headed in that direction that there'll be plenty to look at and keep my mind occupied as I meander along.

Differences in Me

People who haven't seen me in a few weeks are commenting on differences.
I feel different.  I just wasn't sure that translated into something more visible to the outside world.  Something positive.  My pilates / physio team can see the difference and are working with me to push the boundaries even further out.  That's exciting.  I'm not sure if exciting is the right word.  Awe is a little closer.  Maybe wonder?  Or maybe it's just the anticipation.  Kind of like that anticipation that you get before Christmas as a child - wondering what Santa might bring.

I'm starting to notice that I'm just more comfortable in my body.  It feels like it's doing what it's supposed to do.  The getting up and down off the ground is the biggest thing for me.  It's something that I don't remember ever doing - it opens up a whole lot of things that I've never really done before.

Sometimes I catch myself with the realisation that something that I've done for a long time is just that little bit easier.
My knees are coping a little bit better.
Swelling on my knees and ankles is reducing (and I can't recall it ever having done that)
Sometimes I'm just bouncy.

Last Friday, I went to a meditation class.  Something that I never would have done before.  How could I?  I'm sure there are some that would have accommodated my lack of ability to get down to the floor, though that isn't something that I would ever have wanted.  I've never wanted to be seen to be different or require special assistance.  It was always better not to participate - not to let people know - not to be a burden - not to let anyone see weakness - maybe a touch of pride.

There have been a few people that I've spoken to about this big thing.  Some don't see it as such a big thing.  I guess the novelty of knowing someone that has had both hips replaced has worn off and my achievements aren't that exciting for them anymore.  I kind of wonder if they ever were.  It's ok though.  I don't need that external validation.  I feel good.  It can be lonely at times when there isn't someone to talk to about what is going on with me but it's something that I'm ok with.  I'm ok with it because I don't know where this is going to take me but I'm looking forward to finding out.

Missing Pilates Session

Today I missed pilates.
I had to go to a client site for a payroll handover.

I didn't realise that it would make such a difference to my mood.
It's entirely possible that I'm just grumpy and there are other things that are going on in my life at the moment that are having an effect but....  nothing feels like it should and it's just a generally uncomfortable day.

I'm going to have to figure out something to do for when work commitments stop me from going to a scheduled appointment.  The next one I'll miss is on the 27th of this month.  Not long to figure it out.

Off the Floor

For the first time for as long as I can remember, I got off the floor without leaning on a chair and using my arms to assist.  I was on one of those thick squishy mats so I kind of wrote it off to the matt and maybe just a fluke.

So today I tried again at pilates on a regular mat.   I did it.

I haven't tried a regular hard floor yet but I did it.  Twice.

That's huge.  It's so huge that I can't even tell you.

Some people get it.

Some don't.

I'm grateful for those that do.

Ultrasound

I had physio today.  I learnt a lot.  More than just releasing the muscles and feeling that light buzzy feeling afterwards, I learnt what my muscles looked like when they were working efficiently and what they looked like when they weren't quite doing what they were supposed to be doing.

We used a diagnostic ultrasound, the kind they look at babies with, to look at whether my transverse abdominals and the lowest level glute muscles closest to my hip joints.  Looks like the TA's were firing well and the glutes not so much.  It wasn't a great surprise, but it was very worthwhile to see.   I now have an understanding as to what it feels like working properly because I know what it looks like.  Now I can work towards strengthening what needs to be strengthened.

I probably should have taken pictures for comparison....  Maybe next time!

Pilates Shake Up

In addition to my regular pilates appointments, I've added two sessions with Julie.

All three have kicked up a notch.

I didn't know that I could have muscle pain like this without joint pain.  It's the most amazing thing ever.    This is going to change everything.  I'm not even sure how yet - but it will.

Trying Something New

This year has marked a number of big changes for me.

Last year didn't work for me and I went away at Christmas with a whole lot of homework to think about what I actually want from my life.  I came home with some ideas that I started to put into place when I came home.  I realised pretty quickly that the plan I started in the early weeks wasn't going work - I wasn't going to be personally happy - the things that were weighing me down would still be there and not much would have changed.

I had started the process last year.  Looking for something new in a lot of aspects of my life.  Part of that was how I was going to look after me.  I spoke to friends with chronic illnesses to see what was working for them.  I spoke to friends who'd been broken and were fixed and quizzed them.  I went to see everyone that they recommended.

I spent six months talking to a shrink.  I think it helped me for that moment.  Helped make sure that I didn't end up back in the darkness.  The panic attacks came back for a while. (I'm not sure if I've ever talked about that before - they were there in the beginning.  If I haven't talked about them - I will soon)  I ended up in hospital one night.  Very few people knew.  It was a shock to me - physical pain as a response to panic.  It was new and an indicator that I couldn't just keep it to myself and just 'suck it up'. The masks were starting to crack.  I'd schedule according to what I could cope with and I worked at night away from people so I could keep my mind busy and take time out when I needed it.  The fear of being found out was enough to hide the darkness.  The work was technical enough that it could hold my focus and I could hide in it.

I'm really good at masks.  I hold it in.  I don't like people to see weakness and I don't like being told what to do when I feel like this.  I know what to do, I'm not an idiot.  Knowing what to do and actually doing it are different.  People who have been here will know what I mean.  I didn't need someone to solve my problems.  I needed someone to help me understand my problems so that I could work out how to feel better.

It was the first step in looking for someone that I could talk to about what was coming next.  Facilitating me to work out what it is that I wanted when all I could figure out was what I didn't want.  I didn't go back after a while.

I guess I ended up learning more about me, and more about what I could do from business coaching.  I think a lot of that came from the person that I worked with.  The right things at the right time.  What I needed to take that next step.  What started with in this process isn't where I ended up.  I'm on a completely different path now.  It's a little scary out here - it's all new - but I'm gaining confidence that I can navigate this journey.  I'm sure that I'll make some mistakes as I continue to figure out what I want and need and adjust the journey.

On the work side, I'm winding down my business.  I've accepted a full time job.  I've already seen a massive reduction in hours.  The panic wakes me sometimes in the middle of the night with all of the things that I need to do that I didn't stay up half the night working on, but I'm becoming more accepting of the fact that I can't be everything to everyone and sometimes people will be disappointed when I say 'no'.  It's been a bit confronting too.  Spending more time in my own head.  That can't be good, right?  Probably not - but until I spend more time with myself without the work focus, I'll never figure anything out.

On the body side, I'm a regular at acupuncture and have started with my seat buddy's sister.   So far, she's the genius that has been claimed.  Her knowledge of ortho is amazing and she isn't afraid to use it to help me see continuous improvement.  I have some big goals and I'm pretty sure that she'll see me to them.    It gives me hope that there is more for me.  Even after all of the amazing results that I have - I've realised that there is more.  I do want to do more.  I want to try these things that I haven't done before that I've always said that I didn't want to do.

It's a new world out there and there is a lot to learn.