The longest walk...

So far.

Last night I sent out a few messages to people to say hello, to see how they were doing, some who I haven't spoken to in a while.

I woke up quite early and had a few responses, some from people who were online this morning quite early. (Well early for me for a Sunday).  It's been good to catch up with people, to have a life back and some of the interactions have given me a lot to think about.  About my life.  About the changes that I've made for myself.  About the value of being alive, of being healthy and about having the opportunities to do things like, going for a long walk.

So I did.

I started out thinking that I'd go to a little coffee shop near me.  My local is the one thing that I really miss from living in the city.  It was just an elevator ride and maybe 50 meters.  My new local is about 2.2 km away.

What the hell right?  I can do that on the elliptical, so why shouldn't I be able to do this on the ground.  I have walking shoes and need coffee.  So why not.  I can always call a cab if I feel like I can't make it.  There's bus stops all along the way.  I'm not walking through the desert, I can just roam.  I kind of wonder if I hadn't have had all these health issues whether back packing would have been something that I would have enjoyed.  I'm a little spoilt now and like my own shower and bed in a nice clean somewhat upmarket hotel but I think that I could do the adventure a little more.  There's a whole world out there waiting for me to explore.

I started off quite optimistic.  There were some thoughts that it was a little harder than what I thought it would be when I got to the hills...  that's right - plural.   Calves and glutes burning, I made it there.  I took my time to sit, have coffee, some toast with avo and realised, that it wasn't that far.  I did the check around; ankles - good, knees - good, hips - good; and decided that I didn't think I wanted to go back.

There is freedom in just walking.  Time to think.
Time to just wander and be in my own head and be ok with that.

So I kept going.  Stopped at a friend's place another three or so kilometres down the road.  I detoured through a reserve area that has paved paths through the bush land rather than by the busy roadside in one section.  I was the only person out for most of the way so I got to sing out loud and just enjoy being.

It actually amazes me that I enjoyed it.  It's something that I would have always said that I was too lazy to do.  The reality of it is that I couldn't do it and it was just easier to say that I was lazy and didn't want to.

By the time I got there - I needed more water and a seat for a little while but I still checked out.  I kind of think that I could have done another stretch about that distance again.  Maybe not with all of the hills but I still think that I could have kept going.  In the end, I got a lift home.

I'll see how I fare up tomorrow.  I think that the worst of it will be a little sunburn.

Maybe next weekend I should head in another direction.  Split up the trip by 2 - 3 km chunks with a rest break between and just see how far I can get.  Maybe head towards the city this time.  South Bank is about 7 - 8 kilometres.  I can catch a bus home from there.  It's just finding the rest breaks along the way.   I'm sure headed in that direction that there'll be plenty to look at and keep my mind occupied as I meander along.

Trying Something New

This year has marked a number of big changes for me.

Last year didn't work for me and I went away at Christmas with a whole lot of homework to think about what I actually want from my life.  I came home with some ideas that I started to put into place when I came home.  I realised pretty quickly that the plan I started in the early weeks wasn't going work - I wasn't going to be personally happy - the things that were weighing me down would still be there and not much would have changed.

I had started the process last year.  Looking for something new in a lot of aspects of my life.  Part of that was how I was going to look after me.  I spoke to friends with chronic illnesses to see what was working for them.  I spoke to friends who'd been broken and were fixed and quizzed them.  I went to see everyone that they recommended.

I spent six months talking to a shrink.  I think it helped me for that moment.  Helped make sure that I didn't end up back in the darkness.  The panic attacks came back for a while. (I'm not sure if I've ever talked about that before - they were there in the beginning.  If I haven't talked about them - I will soon)  I ended up in hospital one night.  Very few people knew.  It was a shock to me - physical pain as a response to panic.  It was new and an indicator that I couldn't just keep it to myself and just 'suck it up'. The masks were starting to crack.  I'd schedule according to what I could cope with and I worked at night away from people so I could keep my mind busy and take time out when I needed it.  The fear of being found out was enough to hide the darkness.  The work was technical enough that it could hold my focus and I could hide in it.

I'm really good at masks.  I hold it in.  I don't like people to see weakness and I don't like being told what to do when I feel like this.  I know what to do, I'm not an idiot.  Knowing what to do and actually doing it are different.  People who have been here will know what I mean.  I didn't need someone to solve my problems.  I needed someone to help me understand my problems so that I could work out how to feel better.

It was the first step in looking for someone that I could talk to about what was coming next.  Facilitating me to work out what it is that I wanted when all I could figure out was what I didn't want.  I didn't go back after a while.

I guess I ended up learning more about me, and more about what I could do from business coaching.  I think a lot of that came from the person that I worked with.  The right things at the right time.  What I needed to take that next step.  What started with in this process isn't where I ended up.  I'm on a completely different path now.  It's a little scary out here - it's all new - but I'm gaining confidence that I can navigate this journey.  I'm sure that I'll make some mistakes as I continue to figure out what I want and need and adjust the journey.

On the work side, I'm winding down my business.  I've accepted a full time job.  I've already seen a massive reduction in hours.  The panic wakes me sometimes in the middle of the night with all of the things that I need to do that I didn't stay up half the night working on, but I'm becoming more accepting of the fact that I can't be everything to everyone and sometimes people will be disappointed when I say 'no'.  It's been a bit confronting too.  Spending more time in my own head.  That can't be good, right?  Probably not - but until I spend more time with myself without the work focus, I'll never figure anything out.

On the body side, I'm a regular at acupuncture and have started with my seat buddy's sister.   So far, she's the genius that has been claimed.  Her knowledge of ortho is amazing and she isn't afraid to use it to help me see continuous improvement.  I have some big goals and I'm pretty sure that she'll see me to them.    It gives me hope that there is more for me.  Even after all of the amazing results that I have - I've realised that there is more.  I do want to do more.  I want to try these things that I haven't done before that I've always said that I didn't want to do.

It's a new world out there and there is a lot to learn.

Random Meeting on a Plane

It turned out to be the next opportunity - the open door that I needed to walk through.

Last week I flew to Melbourne for a wedding.

I was going to leave work early and get there around 6pm so that I could meet up with some people for a few drinks.  Flights were ludicrously expensive as I'd left booking so late and I'd decided that I'd be better off to use my frequent flier miles and treat myself to a business class seat.

The week didn't quite go to plan and there was no way that I was going to make a 3pm flight.  It was just as well that I'd gotten the seat that I had, as a reschedule to a later departure was an easy one.  I survived the day of work and made my flight on time.

Settled into business class, my row mate arrived and settled in.  We both read until dinner.  At dinner we started to chat.  He was on his way to a conference in Melbourne for the fitness industry.  He and his family own a gym, not far from where I lived.  We talked about the industry and I commented that I didn't really fit into the traditional member mould and we discussed the difficulties that I had finding the right 'team' for me for this next stage of my progress.

Turns out his sister is in the game too....  apparently a rehab genius - physio and exercise.   Julie works between a clinic and the gym.  I thought about this for a while when I got home.  Figured that it was worth a shot - what did I have to lose.  I was ready to try something new, take that next leap.

I called the gym and got in contact with Julie.  She wasn't taking new patients - but because her brother recommended her, she was going to take me.

Next week I see her.  I'm hopeful, but not expecting too much.

Three Years Post-Op

Today I had my checkup with my surgeon.  I'm three years down the track and he's happy with my progress.  I don't have to go back for another two years now.

It's a great result.

It's a little weird though that something that has been so important in my life is now just a checkup every few years.  Physically it is the best possible outcome.  The journey though has taken me through some really tough times and at some level, fundamentally changed the way that I look at the world.

The main goal that I had going in was that I wanted the chronic, persistent pain to be gone.  As I read back over the blog posts, I'm sure there was more that I could say - for fear of failing.  So long as I got through and life was better than it was before - that would be a successful outcome.

And it is - and so much more.

The whole process has been a catalyst for major change in my life.

It's that turning point where I realised that there were people in my life who were only there because I could help them.  When it was my turn, they didn't like it and it caused all manner of grief.

I realised that I didn't have to live with pain.   Physical or otherwise.  While it's part of the human condition to have inner struggles, I don't think I accept my 'lot' in life as much as I used to.  I can do more - it's now my choice, I'm not as limited by these physical constraints that provided an excuse, a protection from the world.   I've struggled with depression - I've seen a few shrinks - sought out alternate therapies - found a new way.  There have been a few people in this journey who I will be forever grateful to.  They don't even know how important their role has been in sending me off in a new direction.  One day I might tell them - but for now - it's still my adventure.

All I can say is that the whole process was definitely worthwhile.  I've gotten my life back.  It's not the life I probably had planned - it could even be better.

Living Life

The last month has been has been really busy.  Though the improvements are still happening, life is happening as well and that has been taking up a lot more time, time that I used to use for my blog posts.

I'm still improving my ranges and I'm still expecting to exceed the surgeons six month estimate of another 10 degrees.  I'm just over halfway to that goal on the left side and the right is just under.  

I'm still keeping up with my physio, hydro and pilates and fitting in real life around these activities.  My hours at work have increased and I'm starting my study back up again at the end of the month.  I'm not sure where this is all going to lead me but wherever that is, I'm well on my way.

I probably won't be checking in here too often as time goes on but I receive comments by email so if you have any questions about any of my posts or my experiences, please comment!

Changes

Life is changing pretty quickly at the moment.  I'm still doing a lot of rehab type activities, like physio, hydro and an at home program but the other parts of life are visibly changing.  I have learnt a lot about the people who have gone through this process with me and unfortunately things I didn't want to learn about the people who didn't.  I'm starting out knowing exactly where I stand with people which is a strong platform to start again from.

I am back at work doing stop gap type work and I am adding things in that interest me.  That's led to a lot of reading and being back online just browsing, something that I've not really had the time to just enjoy for a very long time.  I think that's really some of the reason to have gone through this really.  To change that life that really wasn't working out for me work-wise, that was filled with pain and limited by joints that didn't work the way that they were supposed to.  The start to all of the changes was something beyond my control but it really was something that needed to happen.  It's scary not knowing what happens next.

I've not taken on so much that I've cut back on my rehab activities but more than enough to fill my days so I have been neglecting to write as much here.  The things that I do know is that there will be more opportunities that I will be able to take.  Little things like being able to work in the city without paying ridiculous amounts for parking since I'll actually be able to catch a bus.

I was baking on Sunday night and my sister came past to be an 'official taste tester' before I took the cupcakes in to share with the people at physio.  She asked me a hip related question at some point during the conversation and I realised that I hadn't thought about them while I was baking.  It came as a bit of a surprise that the question kind of seemed out of context even though it did relate to me and what I'm doing at the moment.  I suppose that will happen more frequently as time goes on.  It will be more difficult to forget when I start doing things that I haven't done for years.  As I meet these milestones I'll be excited by the accomplishments.  Some of the shine might wear off as I progress further but I think that there will always be some things that will always bring wonder and excitement with them.

I just have to make sure that I don't screw it up and forget the lessons that I've learnt.