Only Better.
And Yesterday.
Slightly unreasonable expectations.
No matter how much the hippies on http://surfacehippy.info/hiptalk prepared me for those days where everything is all to hard that they had when they first came home, I wasn't quite ready for what it might feel like. I pretty much lost it last night and for most of this morning. I had some dark moments in the hospital but I managed to work through those a little bit better than I was last night and this morning. I knew it was going downhill and I had already booked an appointment to talk to someone on Thursday but I didn't think that I could deal with this for that long. I then tried to get a hold of my GP and couldn't get in until Friday, so I rang the hospital looking for the Occupational Therapist who I liked to give me a referral to someone who I could talk to. She wasn't available but it turned out that the lady that answered the phone is the social worker at the rehab unit and she was able to see me today.
Things started to come together during my first physio session at home. I was working with someone that I have worked with before that has a similar philosophy as I normally do. I say normally given that I haven't quite been myself lately. When I am in that mode and am talking about it - I am positive. When I'm left to my own devices things don't always stay on that path. Apparently I got a good report card which is nice to hear after the 'you are all wrong' physio that I have been seeing for the last week. I lost a bit of momentum without the mini goals that I had in the first two weeks, like trying exercises that I knew I was a way off perfecting to see how close I could get and then trying again the next day and the next. There wasn't any negativity associated with the process. I wasn't failing, I was getting closer. This is the positive attitude that I am looking forward to having back. It might seem a little 'me me me' requiring positive reinforcement all of the time and that isn't entirely wrong. It's not entirely right either. I need to be the one to start with the positive 'hey look see what I can do now' and have a positive response back like 'we'll need to set you some new targets' or 'we are almost ready to fine tune that one and move up' not 'you are doing it all wrong'. I do still need correction and assistance, I just don't need it like that.
Now that I have been assessed and started off with some new exercises, the mini-goals plan will start to be worked upon. We are going to start on this tomorrow and I am hoping that this will help get my mind back into a more positive state. I've been lost over the last week and it's time to get back on track.
Even though the session gave me a bit of a pep, I still needed more and I think that the trip to the social worker helped. She really didn't say anything that I didn't know or hadn't been told before. I also saw the OT as well before hand and that was helpful too especially since I already knew her and respected her. I have heard so many times that this is a massive operation and such a big deal to undertake and the emotion that goes along with it is completely understandable especially since I have such high expectations of myself but I guess it still hasn't sunk in. I got sent home with a book on panic attacks and how to deal with them and maybe a little more confidence that I can deal with this.
I got home and read the panic attack book. It didn't help. Instead I think it almost set one off. I couldn't relate to the examples and though some of the things I was fearing were irrational (like my husband dying or any number of bad things happening to my favourite people) some I think were fair enough (like not going back to work when I should be and the financial implications of that). I made a phone call to the person I was booked to talk to on Thursday and apologised and asked for five minutes on the phone now and it made a difference. It was very similar to some of the things discussed with the social worker but I guess it sunk in a little more this time. Again the effects of the general anaesthetic were raised (that's three times today) which surprised me as I would have thought they'd be long gone by now. I guess this is part of the being hard on myself thing to disregard anything that I might deem an excuse. I don't want to be making excuses. I do need to differentiate the difference between excuses and possible reasons though. It isn't weakness to see that there is a justifiable reason for me feeling this way sometimes. I still need to be held accountable for how I react to it though and this might take a little bit of work yet.
At that point I spoke more with my husband about the things that I feared and could do so a little more calmly and without completely losing it. I think this is the indicator of a big shift from my morning anxiety to a little bit more peace. I hope I can hold it out and get a good night's sleep and that things look just a little brighter again in the morning.
Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
24 Days Post Op: 4 Days to go in Rehab
Today is the first day that I have been able to consistently get my feet in and out of bed. Last night I didn't have to buzz for help to get out of bed which was completely awesome. I also had too many chances to practice last night as I was pretty restless and was up four or five times. Part of being able to do this is down to the fact that they forgot to lock me in for the night by putting the side rails up on my bed (they got two late transfers from another ward and were rushed of their feet - so I smiled and nodded and didn't remind them!). Even though I had mastered the in and out of bed thing, I would have still required assistance as you can't actually put the rails down when you are in the bed unless you are able to contort yourself over the side and lift a latch to do so which I really can't as to get to where it is placed would violate my hip precautions.
This really was the last thing on my absolutely must do goals list before I can go home. The extra couple of days is going to be good to solidify the progress and start to put a new plan in place as to what I want to achieve next. I'll need to talk to my real Physio about that one and put a proper home plan in place so that I am maximising the results that I achieve.
I also had real food smuggled in for me today again. It was awesome. I miss real food and am counting down the hours until I can have it all of the time. I'm not sure what my nutrition has been like while I've been here but do doubt that the meals are nutritionally balanced and designed for optimum health. If they are, they certainly don't taste like it. Having said that, dinner just arrived and actually looks ok. The broccoli and carrots look real. I might just eat those! I still need a few more vitamins and minerals to help with the healing.
The rehab assistant turned up as we were finishing eating to take me for a walk which I politely declined opting to walk with my guests today. It still surprises me that they have asked considering that I haven't received that level of attention on holidays before today with them expecting my husband to assist. I wonder what has prompted the changes. It is a little bit too late really given that I am going home in just a few days.
I had an interesting talk to a registrar today that will be presenting my case as a case study for his physician's exams. It seems that emotional responses to chronic illness now feature as part of a patient assessment. I'm not sure when this cropped up in the medical process but I am glad that it did and I hope that it filters throughout the medical profession as this seems to be where a big void was when I was diagnosed. There seems to be more information sharing these days as well, making patients more informed about the medical process and what is going to happen. It isn't completely there yet, google still helps (and probably hinders in a number of occasions) and the number of reputable medical resources online are growing. Take Mr McMinn's site as an example of valuable medical information in relation to the procedure that I have had done. My surgeon pointed me in this direction to find out more about the process and the prostheses which is something that couldn't and wouldn't have been done a decade ago.
Tomorrow is my home visit and I'm a little nervous about getting in and out of the car. It's not something that I have done before and I'm not sure how I'll go. It's something that I wish we could have tried before the actual day though there is no real way to do this without them actually organising a car and bringing it to the front of the building where the patient transfer vans pull up. I have to decide tomorrow whether or not I should organise an ambulance to get me home or whether we should go in the car. I'm leaning towards patient transport to get in the first time. It also means that even though I can get up the front steps, I won't need to be able to get up them that day as I will be stretchered in and will actually be able to do some more work on building strength and mobility and be both physically and mentally prepared before we go out into the real world. I'm a little bit worried about going out too early and not being strong enough to hold my own. At the moment my pace is more than slow and the idea of being pushed around scares the living daylights out of me. I'm sure like my progress so far, things will come together and I will know when it is going to be ok and until then, I'll at least be in the comfort of my own home.
I suppose it isn't surprising that I have new anxieties as the next change to my situation changes. I have to keep reminding myself that it was a massive surgery and progress isn't going to be immediate. Apparently the mood swings are quite a normal part of the whole process. For some reason it came up when I was talking to the rehab doctor today and he wasn't overly concerned and reminded me that I have had a major surgery and there will be emotional ups and downs as I get through the rehabilitation process. I have been reasonably even the last 48 hours and I'm hoping to at least get through until I get home before something else sets me off. The disparity between what the appropriate emotional response is to a catalyst to what actually happens is lessening but there is still a way to go yet. I'm not sure I made the right decision in not following up my request to speak to a social worker or not. I'm sure that I will work through these issues, just not sure if I should have sought more help to get there. I guess I will see how I cope when I'm in my own environment again and just keep an eye on the mood swings and enlist the help of friends to give me the heads up if I start to head too far into a slump. It's important that I keep a positive attitude to speed up the recovery process.
I'm still hoping that I will meet my end of June goals though right now I can't imagine walking without a mobility aid. It's crazy that I can't because only a few days ago I couldn't imagine getting my feet into bed. I really shouldn't have these hangups as my progress should be proving to me that I am on the right path. I guess that's really why the physio upset me on Saturday. Even though I really didn't have doubts that I would get there eventually, I still can't imagine progressing that far and I didn't like being told that I just had a 'good chance' as it's made me actively think about the little things that are niggling at the corners of my mind as the main part tries to stay positive and focused on what needs to be done.
This really was the last thing on my absolutely must do goals list before I can go home. The extra couple of days is going to be good to solidify the progress and start to put a new plan in place as to what I want to achieve next. I'll need to talk to my real Physio about that one and put a proper home plan in place so that I am maximising the results that I achieve.
I also had real food smuggled in for me today again. It was awesome. I miss real food and am counting down the hours until I can have it all of the time. I'm not sure what my nutrition has been like while I've been here but do doubt that the meals are nutritionally balanced and designed for optimum health. If they are, they certainly don't taste like it. Having said that, dinner just arrived and actually looks ok. The broccoli and carrots look real. I might just eat those! I still need a few more vitamins and minerals to help with the healing.
The rehab assistant turned up as we were finishing eating to take me for a walk which I politely declined opting to walk with my guests today. It still surprises me that they have asked considering that I haven't received that level of attention on holidays before today with them expecting my husband to assist. I wonder what has prompted the changes. It is a little bit too late really given that I am going home in just a few days.
I had an interesting talk to a registrar today that will be presenting my case as a case study for his physician's exams. It seems that emotional responses to chronic illness now feature as part of a patient assessment. I'm not sure when this cropped up in the medical process but I am glad that it did and I hope that it filters throughout the medical profession as this seems to be where a big void was when I was diagnosed. There seems to be more information sharing these days as well, making patients more informed about the medical process and what is going to happen. It isn't completely there yet, google still helps (and probably hinders in a number of occasions) and the number of reputable medical resources online are growing. Take Mr McMinn's site as an example of valuable medical information in relation to the procedure that I have had done. My surgeon pointed me in this direction to find out more about the process and the prostheses which is something that couldn't and wouldn't have been done a decade ago.
Tomorrow is my home visit and I'm a little nervous about getting in and out of the car. It's not something that I have done before and I'm not sure how I'll go. It's something that I wish we could have tried before the actual day though there is no real way to do this without them actually organising a car and bringing it to the front of the building where the patient transfer vans pull up. I have to decide tomorrow whether or not I should organise an ambulance to get me home or whether we should go in the car. I'm leaning towards patient transport to get in the first time. It also means that even though I can get up the front steps, I won't need to be able to get up them that day as I will be stretchered in and will actually be able to do some more work on building strength and mobility and be both physically and mentally prepared before we go out into the real world. I'm a little bit worried about going out too early and not being strong enough to hold my own. At the moment my pace is more than slow and the idea of being pushed around scares the living daylights out of me. I'm sure like my progress so far, things will come together and I will know when it is going to be ok and until then, I'll at least be in the comfort of my own home.
I suppose it isn't surprising that I have new anxieties as the next change to my situation changes. I have to keep reminding myself that it was a massive surgery and progress isn't going to be immediate. Apparently the mood swings are quite a normal part of the whole process. For some reason it came up when I was talking to the rehab doctor today and he wasn't overly concerned and reminded me that I have had a major surgery and there will be emotional ups and downs as I get through the rehabilitation process. I have been reasonably even the last 48 hours and I'm hoping to at least get through until I get home before something else sets me off. The disparity between what the appropriate emotional response is to a catalyst to what actually happens is lessening but there is still a way to go yet. I'm not sure I made the right decision in not following up my request to speak to a social worker or not. I'm sure that I will work through these issues, just not sure if I should have sought more help to get there. I guess I will see how I cope when I'm in my own environment again and just keep an eye on the mood swings and enlist the help of friends to give me the heads up if I start to head too far into a slump. It's important that I keep a positive attitude to speed up the recovery process.
I'm still hoping that I will meet my end of June goals though right now I can't imagine walking without a mobility aid. It's crazy that I can't because only a few days ago I couldn't imagine getting my feet into bed. I really shouldn't have these hangups as my progress should be proving to me that I am on the right path. I guess that's really why the physio upset me on Saturday. Even though I really didn't have doubts that I would get there eventually, I still can't imagine progressing that far and I didn't like being told that I just had a 'good chance' as it's made me actively think about the little things that are niggling at the corners of my mind as the main part tries to stay positive and focused on what needs to be done.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
15 Days Post Op: Mini Meltdown
Since I wrote yesterday, I've been a bit down. It's not as bad as it was on a few of the days in the 'missing week' though that period of time was intensified due to low haemoglobin and adverse drug reactions and that isn't a reason to disregard it anymore. I have to take ownership of how I feel this time and nothing is going to be a quick fix. I guess I just have to think about what it is that is actually the issue and work out what I can do to either fix it or get over it. I am probably being a little hard on myself but that wouldn't be completely out of character. I had high expectations pre-op which were probably a little stupid. I don't necessarily think that I was naive enough to think it would be easy. I just thought it would be easier than what it actually is.
I've had a bit of a think about why last night and today have been more difficult emotionally than normal and I have a couple of ideas. I'd say a big part of the reason is that the rehab gym is pretty much closed for the duration of the public holidays with only one session on this morning. I seem to find it more difficult to keep it together without the external validation from the Physios who are adding things to my program as I am progressing. (Just telling my I'm doing great doesn't work - it sounds just like something that is said to make me feel better with no underlying truth - I need to see the progress and have someone else see enough of it to professionally say that I am ready to move forward.) Another part is frustration setting in as I struggle to do the most simple of tasks like get my own feet out of bed without assistance (which I haven't managed to do yet). Being in hospital is isolating as well. Normally I have a choice as to whether I want to be social or hibernate and this isn't really a choice that I have right now and I don't have the interaction that I normally do with people I know and I'm struggling a little with this too. It could also have a little to do with the change in general routine from being a night person to being woken at six in the morning every day. Or maybe even partly the food which I am pretty much sick of especially after so many weeks pre-op eating a healthy diet full of fresh food. Or even a little bit of worry about how much longer it is going to be before I can work again and have the income coming in, or how long it will be before I no longer rely so much on my husband to help me so that he can go back to work.
Yesterday I was on my own at the bar outside my hospital room running through the exercises myself while my husband watched on to make sure that I didn't fall over or do anything stupid like that. I'll need to do this again this afternoon as well since the gym was only open this morning. I'm not sure there is enough in my ward program to progress while the physios are away. I'll have to increase the duration and repetitions and hope that this helps.
I didn't really feel any progress today and have started to wonder just how long I might be stuck in this place before any sense of normality returns to my world and I can at least be at home. I hadn't planned on being here this long and had expected to be at home today based on the information that I was given pre-operatively. The estimate of seven to ten days that is typical for one hip has been blown out of the water. I had in my head that it would likely be two weeks though I hadn't considered that I might be looking at three or more. Even when I wrote an email to one of the businesses that I do some contracting work for telling them that I would need the backup to stay in place for another couple of weeks, I still didn't really consider that I might actually be in here for a month.
Last night it sank in. If I'm not starting on crutches yet and can't lift my feet more than an inch or so from the ground I'm not likely to make the end of next week. I'll keep working on it and maybe we will see some leaps and bounds that aren't expected, though I don't want to get my heart set on it especially when
I feel a bit low still today about the whole thing. I miss my life, even as it was with the daily arthritis pain. I know that I couldn't have gone on indefinitely like that and logically I know that this really is the only decision that could be made and now really was the only time to do it, but that doesn't help at the moment. It's probably just a bit all too much at the moment and hopefully it is a phase that I can kick myself out of and get on with it. I do know that at some point in the near future I will be able to look back and the gains that I have had will have made this all worthwhile. I just want to be closer to that day and further away from this one. In the meantime, I guess I just have to keep faking it until I make it.
Today was better than yesterday.
Tomorrow will be better than today.
I will be home soon.
This process will be a distant memory soon.
Life will be better once I get stronger.
I've had a bit of a think about why last night and today have been more difficult emotionally than normal and I have a couple of ideas. I'd say a big part of the reason is that the rehab gym is pretty much closed for the duration of the public holidays with only one session on this morning. I seem to find it more difficult to keep it together without the external validation from the Physios who are adding things to my program as I am progressing. (Just telling my I'm doing great doesn't work - it sounds just like something that is said to make me feel better with no underlying truth - I need to see the progress and have someone else see enough of it to professionally say that I am ready to move forward.) Another part is frustration setting in as I struggle to do the most simple of tasks like get my own feet out of bed without assistance (which I haven't managed to do yet). Being in hospital is isolating as well. Normally I have a choice as to whether I want to be social or hibernate and this isn't really a choice that I have right now and I don't have the interaction that I normally do with people I know and I'm struggling a little with this too. It could also have a little to do with the change in general routine from being a night person to being woken at six in the morning every day. Or maybe even partly the food which I am pretty much sick of especially after so many weeks pre-op eating a healthy diet full of fresh food. Or even a little bit of worry about how much longer it is going to be before I can work again and have the income coming in, or how long it will be before I no longer rely so much on my husband to help me so that he can go back to work.
Yesterday I was on my own at the bar outside my hospital room running through the exercises myself while my husband watched on to make sure that I didn't fall over or do anything stupid like that. I'll need to do this again this afternoon as well since the gym was only open this morning. I'm not sure there is enough in my ward program to progress while the physios are away. I'll have to increase the duration and repetitions and hope that this helps.
I didn't really feel any progress today and have started to wonder just how long I might be stuck in this place before any sense of normality returns to my world and I can at least be at home. I hadn't planned on being here this long and had expected to be at home today based on the information that I was given pre-operatively. The estimate of seven to ten days that is typical for one hip has been blown out of the water. I had in my head that it would likely be two weeks though I hadn't considered that I might be looking at three or more. Even when I wrote an email to one of the businesses that I do some contracting work for telling them that I would need the backup to stay in place for another couple of weeks, I still didn't really consider that I might actually be in here for a month.
Last night it sank in. If I'm not starting on crutches yet and can't lift my feet more than an inch or so from the ground I'm not likely to make the end of next week. I'll keep working on it and maybe we will see some leaps and bounds that aren't expected, though I don't want to get my heart set on it especially when
I feel a bit low still today about the whole thing. I miss my life, even as it was with the daily arthritis pain. I know that I couldn't have gone on indefinitely like that and logically I know that this really is the only decision that could be made and now really was the only time to do it, but that doesn't help at the moment. It's probably just a bit all too much at the moment and hopefully it is a phase that I can kick myself out of and get on with it. I do know that at some point in the near future I will be able to look back and the gains that I have had will have made this all worthwhile. I just want to be closer to that day and further away from this one. In the meantime, I guess I just have to keep faking it until I make it.
Today was better than yesterday.
Tomorrow will be better than today.
I will be home soon.
This process will be a distant memory soon.
Life will be better once I get stronger.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Game Day Eve
Almost ready to go. I have less than 12 eating hours left and I really should get some sleep for some of those. Today wasn't quite as relaxed as yesterday though that is probably more psychological than actually being too busy for the day. It may also have a little to do with the 7am phone call from the hospital this morning checking the spelling of my name. (It was a little more than this - but not much!) I haven't quite figured out the urgency of this as I'm sure they will have plenty of time tomorrow after I arrive and before I go in for me to check all of my paperwork. I was supposed to start the day with sleep until about 8:45 which is the absolute latest that I figured out that I could get up, have breakfast, shower and still be at Physio on time. I got back to sleep not too long before the alarm went off. Missing almost two hours of sleep isn't nice. I didn't quite make it on time but I wasn't too late :)
I had two appointments today at Physio. One to get all my muscles and tissue ready for tomorrow and one to go through everything that I need to know and take range measurements to compare to. I really wanted baseline measurements to compare to after and I wasn't sure that the hospital physio would look after this. I know it's going to be better but I want to know just how much better as it well could be a good tool to get through any low points that I have when the rehab isn't going as quickly as I want it to.
I thought I was done with work, though there were few things that came in today that I had to look at. Some were passed my way which really didn't have to. I guess its probably a bit easier to focus on things like this at the moment than actually doing the final processing of tomorrow. From a logical point of view, it will all be fine, everything is organised, there isn't anything to worry about but I can help but feel a little anxious. At least I'm done now and don't have to deal with any of it for at least three weeks. After that, I'll see how I am and if I want to take some of it back on that I can do from home.
Not sure I'll get a chance to post tomorrow. Maybe when we are at the welcome lounge waiting for all the final prep to be done before they take me in at around 2pm.
Wish me luck :) If I'm not online tomorrow, I'll have a lot to share in a few days when I'm out of ICU.
I had two appointments today at Physio. One to get all my muscles and tissue ready for tomorrow and one to go through everything that I need to know and take range measurements to compare to. I really wanted baseline measurements to compare to after and I wasn't sure that the hospital physio would look after this. I know it's going to be better but I want to know just how much better as it well could be a good tool to get through any low points that I have when the rehab isn't going as quickly as I want it to.
I thought I was done with work, though there were few things that came in today that I had to look at. Some were passed my way which really didn't have to. I guess its probably a bit easier to focus on things like this at the moment than actually doing the final processing of tomorrow. From a logical point of view, it will all be fine, everything is organised, there isn't anything to worry about but I can help but feel a little anxious. At least I'm done now and don't have to deal with any of it for at least three weeks. After that, I'll see how I am and if I want to take some of it back on that I can do from home.
Not sure I'll get a chance to post tomorrow. Maybe when we are at the welcome lounge waiting for all the final prep to be done before they take me in at around 2pm.
Wish me luck :) If I'm not online tomorrow, I'll have a lot to share in a few days when I'm out of ICU.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
No Physio Today :(
Somehow I managed to screw up my scheduling and didn't end up with a physio appointment like I thought I did so I turned up today and wasn't supposed to. I have been juggling this last couple of weeks around a little bit to fit all kinds of things in, so I guess it's no wonder that something had to go wrong somewhere along the line. I am rebooked for Thursday at a later time to accommodate for my dentists appointment and all is pretty much the same as any other week. One hydro appointment and one physio appointment, so there should be absolutely no reason to be emotional about it. Now that I am getting closer to the date, I'm finding myself focusing on the minutiae and getting overly emotionally vested maybe as a coping mechanism for everything else that is going on. It's disconcerting as I think that I have been really positive about the whole experience. As the 'most of the time' feeling, it's still positive, it's just that on most days since about mid last week there has been a moment where I have had what I would deem a disproportionate emotional reaction.
In a way it relates a little to the OCD with germs and general control issues over the insignificant that I have discussed in other posts. I have identified the strange behaviour and yet can't stop it. Maybe it's because I've not really determined what the exact underlying issue is so that I can deal with it. I have come up with a number of possible explanations and not too many solutions (other than suck it and see).
On the surface, I suppose it is easier to focus on the little things rather than worry about the unknown. I'd like to think that I'm ready for the process through finding the right health professionals, research and actual physical preparation but... I still do worry that I might not have done enough to help avoid any possible complications or that I have done something that I shouldn't have done that may harm my recovery time. It's mostly because in these situations you just can't control all of the outcomes. All that you can do is the best you can or make the compromises that you can accept and move forward and deal with what comes next. So given there are things I can't control, maybe I'm focused on the things that I can or believe that I should be and am affected when these little things end up beyond my control as well.
Stupidly it extends to whether I am going to get everything done before I go into hospital. The stupid thing is that I am coming out of hospital again so I don't know why that's even a big deal. It really shouldn't be, though it may just be the last few things that I maybe can control.
So while I'm starting to realise that maybe I don't have control of much in my world and one crutch of control that I have fallen back to many times in the past, I no longer have. As my health has declined, I have been more reliant on others for lots of different things except for money. It was an important source of self-esteem, mostly as to me it is still an indicator of being able to look after myself. My work status has changed very recently and was part of the reason that we chose to do this now (as I have the freedom to focus on preparation and then rehabilitation as I'm not working full time). Along with not working full-time, this is the first time in my adult life when I haven't been financially independent. At the moment and for the next few months I will be just about completely financially reliant on someone else. My husband has no issue with this, it's just me struggling to come to terms with letting go of that portion of control over my life. There are no sick leave benefits or other benefits that were due to be paid to me to fall back on as the company that I was working was destroyed by a selfish director (which given that I am probably still bitter about given the massive time investment that I'd made to this place over the last decade is once again a situation that I have had no control over), so I had the choice of clocking up the leave required somewhere else or making some positive changes now (there were other considerations - though this certainly was a factor). I guess I didn't think about the emotional impact that the change in work situation would have and it really is extremely likely that it does play at least some part in my current responses to other events where things fall out of my control. Maybe I was always a control freak, it just wasn't as obvious when there weren't periods of such massive change going on and as such the weird behaviour never really got to raise it's odd little head so often. This could lead to the conclusion that maybe I just need to get over myself and get my act together :)
Oh crap, I just sneezed. It's time to go and get a good sleep and hopefully wake up germ free in the morning.. I guess I'll save getting my act together for another day...
In a way it relates a little to the OCD with germs and general control issues over the insignificant that I have discussed in other posts. I have identified the strange behaviour and yet can't stop it. Maybe it's because I've not really determined what the exact underlying issue is so that I can deal with it. I have come up with a number of possible explanations and not too many solutions (other than suck it and see).
On the surface, I suppose it is easier to focus on the little things rather than worry about the unknown. I'd like to think that I'm ready for the process through finding the right health professionals, research and actual physical preparation but... I still do worry that I might not have done enough to help avoid any possible complications or that I have done something that I shouldn't have done that may harm my recovery time. It's mostly because in these situations you just can't control all of the outcomes. All that you can do is the best you can or make the compromises that you can accept and move forward and deal with what comes next. So given there are things I can't control, maybe I'm focused on the things that I can or believe that I should be and am affected when these little things end up beyond my control as well.
Stupidly it extends to whether I am going to get everything done before I go into hospital. The stupid thing is that I am coming out of hospital again so I don't know why that's even a big deal. It really shouldn't be, though it may just be the last few things that I maybe can control.
So while I'm starting to realise that maybe I don't have control of much in my world and one crutch of control that I have fallen back to many times in the past, I no longer have. As my health has declined, I have been more reliant on others for lots of different things except for money. It was an important source of self-esteem, mostly as to me it is still an indicator of being able to look after myself. My work status has changed very recently and was part of the reason that we chose to do this now (as I have the freedom to focus on preparation and then rehabilitation as I'm not working full time). Along with not working full-time, this is the first time in my adult life when I haven't been financially independent. At the moment and for the next few months I will be just about completely financially reliant on someone else. My husband has no issue with this, it's just me struggling to come to terms with letting go of that portion of control over my life. There are no sick leave benefits or other benefits that were due to be paid to me to fall back on as the company that I was working was destroyed by a selfish director (which given that I am probably still bitter about given the massive time investment that I'd made to this place over the last decade is once again a situation that I have had no control over), so I had the choice of clocking up the leave required somewhere else or making some positive changes now (there were other considerations - though this certainly was a factor). I guess I didn't think about the emotional impact that the change in work situation would have and it really is extremely likely that it does play at least some part in my current responses to other events where things fall out of my control. Maybe I was always a control freak, it just wasn't as obvious when there weren't periods of such massive change going on and as such the weird behaviour never really got to raise it's odd little head so often. This could lead to the conclusion that maybe I just need to get over myself and get my act together :)
Oh crap, I just sneezed. It's time to go and get a good sleep and hopefully wake up germ free in the morning.. I guess I'll save getting my act together for another day...
Monday, March 28, 2011
Hydro, GP Checkup and Items off the checklist
This morning started out at Hydro and I was a little bit concerned that we weren't starting off the day well when there was no parking, the hydro pool was full of little germy children and the pool outside was cold. It got progressively better though. One of the outside pools was relatively unoccupied, though cold for the first few minutes it was ok and best of all there were no children's germs. I know I have been harping on this recently, though the upset tummy late mid last week and the sore throat of the weekend has put me into a mild panic that I won't be well for next Friday and I might get bumped. I think that I might just hide away from the public for the next ten days. Unfortunately I do need to go into the office tomorrow for a while and then maybe again on Thursday for a little bit. Next Tuesday is the last office day leaving me to be able to kick back and spend some time with my husband before I go into hospital. Things have been pretty crazy in the lead up, mostly because we both need time off work for more than just a couple of days. A lot of my stuff has been 'housekeeping' type things that I've mentioned earlier (paperwork and the like).
Today's checklist included getting to the GP to get a new referral so that medicare will actually chip in for the operation, renewing a mail redirection, cleaning out some old paperwork and other old junk. Nothing exciting but things that I am unlikely going to want to do for a little while. Hell, I haven't wanted to do these tasks for the last year, the next few months is unlikely to be any different. I'm a little anxious about getting everything done, even though I am sure that some of this stuff really could be put of for a few more months. I guess I have really gotten into the idea of having a clean slate when I get home from hospital, or very soon after that time, that I am freaking out a little bit on the nearing deadline. I'm not actually sure if I am misidentifying the cause of the anxiety and it's actually about the op itself and other associated bits and pieces that is causing the anxiety. I'm not sure. I know that I am looking forward to being on the other side of the op though a general anxiety would also explain my newly acquired OCD about Germs (which really haven't bothered me too much in the past, anymore than anyone else - I do wash my hands when appropriate and take the appropriate risks) and I do realise that I am becoming a little crazy about it just as I am about the other things that aren't neatly filed away in their happy little boxes.
Back to the GP visit: the sore throat isn't anything too bad. I think that the honey, chilli and garlic, lots of water, lots of fresh vegetables and fruit (not all together), have kicked it a bit. I got the doc to check it today when I was there for the referral just to help put my mind at ease and it isn't too bad. If it does get worse, I am apparently still allowed to take antibiotics and I have been given a script for that. I think I would double check with the surgeons office first just in case but I shouldn't need them so it doesn't really matter too much. The GP visit was pretty sucky as my normal doctor wasn't there and he is way cooler than the one I saw today. (He's on paternity leave - so I would be an ass to complain too much about his absence). I've only really just started to go to this clinic, I really do like this new doctor and I'm fussy. He seems interested in what is going on and is actually knowledgable about it (he does work on some orthopaedic cases though with a different surgeon - so that helps) but I really think that even if he didn't have the ortho background, he would just be one of those doctors that really takes an interest in people so even though I understood the reason why he wasn't there today, I was still a little disappointed that the replacement didn't really live up to expectation (which may well just me not relating to her as well - not a reflection on skills and abilities as a GP). It is difficult to find these doctors who not only take an interest but you also relate to and feel comfortable with. If you have been lucky in your life and got an awesome doc first go, you should be very grateful!
I was lucky enough to have one of my best friends to help me stay focused on the clean out and this afternoon post doc's appointment was actually pretty productive. I am a hoarder and even knowing this about myself, I was still surprised at just how much 'junk' I've collected over the years and carted around from one house to the next. She'll be back on Wednesday to help relieve the insanity again. We'll head off to pilates at midday and maybe get coffee on the way back home so it should be a good day. Thursday is girls night again, so all in all it will be a good week. Here's to it being a productive and stress free one as well :)
Today's checklist included getting to the GP to get a new referral so that medicare will actually chip in for the operation, renewing a mail redirection, cleaning out some old paperwork and other old junk. Nothing exciting but things that I am unlikely going to want to do for a little while. Hell, I haven't wanted to do these tasks for the last year, the next few months is unlikely to be any different. I'm a little anxious about getting everything done, even though I am sure that some of this stuff really could be put of for a few more months. I guess I have really gotten into the idea of having a clean slate when I get home from hospital, or very soon after that time, that I am freaking out a little bit on the nearing deadline. I'm not actually sure if I am misidentifying the cause of the anxiety and it's actually about the op itself and other associated bits and pieces that is causing the anxiety. I'm not sure. I know that I am looking forward to being on the other side of the op though a general anxiety would also explain my newly acquired OCD about Germs (which really haven't bothered me too much in the past, anymore than anyone else - I do wash my hands when appropriate and take the appropriate risks) and I do realise that I am becoming a little crazy about it just as I am about the other things that aren't neatly filed away in their happy little boxes.
Back to the GP visit: the sore throat isn't anything too bad. I think that the honey, chilli and garlic, lots of water, lots of fresh vegetables and fruit (not all together), have kicked it a bit. I got the doc to check it today when I was there for the referral just to help put my mind at ease and it isn't too bad. If it does get worse, I am apparently still allowed to take antibiotics and I have been given a script for that. I think I would double check with the surgeons office first just in case but I shouldn't need them so it doesn't really matter too much. The GP visit was pretty sucky as my normal doctor wasn't there and he is way cooler than the one I saw today. (He's on paternity leave - so I would be an ass to complain too much about his absence). I've only really just started to go to this clinic, I really do like this new doctor and I'm fussy. He seems interested in what is going on and is actually knowledgable about it (he does work on some orthopaedic cases though with a different surgeon - so that helps) but I really think that even if he didn't have the ortho background, he would just be one of those doctors that really takes an interest in people so even though I understood the reason why he wasn't there today, I was still a little disappointed that the replacement didn't really live up to expectation (which may well just me not relating to her as well - not a reflection on skills and abilities as a GP). It is difficult to find these doctors who not only take an interest but you also relate to and feel comfortable with. If you have been lucky in your life and got an awesome doc first go, you should be very grateful!
I was lucky enough to have one of my best friends to help me stay focused on the clean out and this afternoon post doc's appointment was actually pretty productive. I am a hoarder and even knowing this about myself, I was still surprised at just how much 'junk' I've collected over the years and carted around from one house to the next. She'll be back on Wednesday to help relieve the insanity again. We'll head off to pilates at midday and maybe get coffee on the way back home so it should be a good day. Thursday is girls night again, so all in all it will be a good week. Here's to it being a productive and stress free one as well :)
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