15 Days Post Op: Mini Meltdown

Since I wrote yesterday, I've been a bit down.  It's not as bad as it was on a few of the days in the 'missing week' though that period of time was intensified due to low haemoglobin and adverse drug reactions and that isn't a reason to disregard it anymore.  I have to take ownership of how I feel this time and nothing is going to be a quick fix.  I guess I just have to think about what it is that is actually the issue and work out what I can do to either fix it or get over it.  I am probably being a little hard on myself but that wouldn't be completely out of character.  I had high expectations pre-op which were probably a little stupid.  I don't necessarily think that I was naive enough to think it would be easy.  I just thought it would be easier than what it actually is.

I've had a bit of a think about why last night and today have been more difficult emotionally than normal and I have a couple of ideas.  I'd say a big part of the reason is that the rehab gym is pretty much closed for the duration of the public holidays with only one session on this morning.  I seem to find it more difficult to keep it together without the external validation from the Physios who are adding things to my program as I am progressing.   (Just telling my I'm doing great doesn't work - it sounds just like something that is said to make me feel better with no underlying truth - I need to see the progress and have someone else see enough of it to professionally say that I am ready to move forward.)  Another part is frustration setting in as I struggle to do the most simple of tasks like get my own feet out of bed without assistance (which I haven't managed to do yet).  Being in hospital is isolating as well.  Normally I have a choice as to whether I want to be social or hibernate and this isn't really a choice that I have right now and I don't have the interaction that I normally do with people I know and I'm struggling a little with this too.  It could also have a little to do with the change in general routine from being a night person to being woken at six in the morning every day.  Or maybe even partly the food which I am pretty much sick of especially after so many weeks pre-op eating a healthy diet full of fresh food.  Or even a little bit of worry about how much longer it is going to be before I can work again and have the income coming in, or how long it will be before I no longer rely so much on my husband to help me so that he can go back to work.

Yesterday I was on my own at the bar outside my hospital room running through the exercises myself while my husband watched on to make sure that I didn't fall over or do anything stupid like that.  I'll need to do this again this afternoon as well since the gym was only open this morning.  I'm not sure there is enough in my ward program to progress while the physios are away.  I'll have to increase the duration and repetitions and hope that this helps.

I didn't really feel any progress today and have started to wonder just how long I might be stuck in this place before any sense of normality returns to my world and I can at least be at home.  I hadn't planned on being here this long and had expected to be at home today based on the information that I was given pre-operatively.  The estimate of seven to ten days that is typical for one hip has been blown out of the water.  I had in my head that it would likely be two weeks though I hadn't considered that I might be looking at three or more.  Even when I wrote an email to one of the businesses that I do some contracting work for telling them that I would need the backup to stay in place for another couple of weeks, I still didn't really consider that I might actually be in here for a month.

Last night it sank in.  If I'm not starting on crutches yet and can't lift my feet more than an inch or so from the ground I'm not likely to make the end of next week.  I'll keep working on it and maybe we will see some leaps and bounds that aren't expected, though I don't want to get my heart set on it especially when

I feel a bit low still today about the whole thing.  I miss my life, even as it was with the daily arthritis pain. I know that I couldn't have gone on indefinitely like that and logically I know that this really is the only decision that could be made and now really was the only time to do it, but that doesn't help at the moment.  It's probably just a bit all too much at the moment and hopefully it is a phase that I can kick myself out of and get on with it.  I do know that at some point in the near future I will be able to look back and the gains that I have had will have made this all worthwhile.  I just want to be closer to that day and further away from this one.  In the meantime, I guess I just have to keep faking it until I make it.

Today was better than yesterday.
Tomorrow will be better than today.
I will be home soon.
This process will be a distant memory soon.
Life will be better once I get stronger.