Trying Something New

This year has marked a number of big changes for me.

Last year didn't work for me and I went away at Christmas with a whole lot of homework to think about what I actually want from my life.  I came home with some ideas that I started to put into place when I came home.  I realised pretty quickly that the plan I started in the early weeks wasn't going work - I wasn't going to be personally happy - the things that were weighing me down would still be there and not much would have changed.

I had started the process last year.  Looking for something new in a lot of aspects of my life.  Part of that was how I was going to look after me.  I spoke to friends with chronic illnesses to see what was working for them.  I spoke to friends who'd been broken and were fixed and quizzed them.  I went to see everyone that they recommended.

I spent six months talking to a shrink.  I think it helped me for that moment.  Helped make sure that I didn't end up back in the darkness.  The panic attacks came back for a while. (I'm not sure if I've ever talked about that before - they were there in the beginning.  If I haven't talked about them - I will soon)  I ended up in hospital one night.  Very few people knew.  It was a shock to me - physical pain as a response to panic.  It was new and an indicator that I couldn't just keep it to myself and just 'suck it up'. The masks were starting to crack.  I'd schedule according to what I could cope with and I worked at night away from people so I could keep my mind busy and take time out when I needed it.  The fear of being found out was enough to hide the darkness.  The work was technical enough that it could hold my focus and I could hide in it.

I'm really good at masks.  I hold it in.  I don't like people to see weakness and I don't like being told what to do when I feel like this.  I know what to do, I'm not an idiot.  Knowing what to do and actually doing it are different.  People who have been here will know what I mean.  I didn't need someone to solve my problems.  I needed someone to help me understand my problems so that I could work out how to feel better.

It was the first step in looking for someone that I could talk to about what was coming next.  Facilitating me to work out what it is that I wanted when all I could figure out was what I didn't want.  I didn't go back after a while.

I guess I ended up learning more about me, and more about what I could do from business coaching.  I think a lot of that came from the person that I worked with.  The right things at the right time.  What I needed to take that next step.  What started with in this process isn't where I ended up.  I'm on a completely different path now.  It's a little scary out here - it's all new - but I'm gaining confidence that I can navigate this journey.  I'm sure that I'll make some mistakes as I continue to figure out what I want and need and adjust the journey.

On the work side, I'm winding down my business.  I've accepted a full time job.  I've already seen a massive reduction in hours.  The panic wakes me sometimes in the middle of the night with all of the things that I need to do that I didn't stay up half the night working on, but I'm becoming more accepting of the fact that I can't be everything to everyone and sometimes people will be disappointed when I say 'no'.  It's been a bit confronting too.  Spending more time in my own head.  That can't be good, right?  Probably not - but until I spend more time with myself without the work focus, I'll never figure anything out.

On the body side, I'm a regular at acupuncture and have started with my seat buddy's sister.   So far, she's the genius that has been claimed.  Her knowledge of ortho is amazing and she isn't afraid to use it to help me see continuous improvement.  I have some big goals and I'm pretty sure that she'll see me to them.    It gives me hope that there is more for me.  Even after all of the amazing results that I have - I've realised that there is more.  I do want to do more.  I want to try these things that I haven't done before that I've always said that I didn't want to do.

It's a new world out there and there is a lot to learn.

19 Days Post Op: On Crutches

Today all of the physios and occupational therapists were back at work so it was a busy day.

The day started of with the cancellation of my home visit with the occupational therapist, which wasn't completely surprising as I commented in a post a couple of days ago.  I haven't started with stairs and I need to get up seven before I can actually get into the house.  I thought she still might have gone to check things out but apparently that is only needed if major changes need to be made.  This started of the cascade of tears, even though I knew I couldn't go and for a little while longer while I explained why I am so upset about the whole thing.

I've always been a fan of keeping someone's expectations low and then over delivering so that they are thrilled by the improved time line.  It doesn't work like that in hospitals.  I will have missed two check out dates on Friday and this makes me feel like failure even though logically I know that the dates were unlikely to be met by any bilateral especially given the holiday period.  (The second one might have been possible if it weren't for all of the public holidays) I was also down because no one could tell me what my interim goals are.  I want to see progress and have something to measure by.

I need to know that something is happening and be involved with my own recovery plan.  This can be the little things that change in my rehab program like adding in side stepping or marching or getting dressed without my husband's assistance or whatever, just so I know what the progression by smaller more achievable goals that I can take pride in what I have accomplished and used it as a means to stay positive and focused on the development path.  I also need to know about what needs to be done at home before I get there.  I need to regain control of my situation and have things to take charge of rather than being so reliant on others to sort things out for me.  I don't like that and I don't think it is good for me.  It makes sense to me and I don't understand why there isn't more patient involvement in the recovery process.  I believe that ownership really is a big part of maximising the returns of the process.  I mean where would I be now without the 'prehab' or without the second gym session each day, both things that I have done or pushed for myself that haven't been requested of me?  Scary to think that I might not even be where I am now.  How many more weeks in here would I be looking at?

In my gym sessions today we started on crutches.  They aren't the easiest things to master, mostly because I am completely uncoordinated.  This has absolutely nothing to do with the surgery.  It usually takes time for my brain to figure out things like this the first time.  I was a little wobbly and I think that I am going to need a fair bit of practice to be confident that I am not going to fall on my face but I am a little more positive about the whole thing than I was yesterday.  I think that because things were starting to drag out so much longer than I thought they would I was starting to get a little afraid of how difficult things would be and maybe that I wasn't strong enough and I would end up injured.  I think this links back to my earlier comments about involvement.  If I know the path, I can deal with it.  When I don't know what the hell is going on and what I'm going to do I end up dwelling on what I can't do and making it a much bigger issue that it probably is.  I'm not sure if I am just a control freak with issues, or whether this is normal in the situation that I'm in now.

I needed a nap after this mornings session and woke up reasonably refreshed.  This makes me happy for the sole reason that I have worked to capacity and had accomplished a lot more today.  I went back down in the afternoon and had another go at it all and am tired again now so hopefully I should sleep well.

The OT came back again this afternoon and went through what she thinks the plan should be to work towards going home.  She's pretty much in tune with what I think it realistic, as in the end of next week, and has started to plan to work with me to achieve that goal.  We will be covering more functional things like actually getting by day today at home without having so much assistance with things like meals and being in an environment that isn't completely accessible.  

I feel like we might actually be getting somewhere now.