No Physio Today :(

Somehow I managed to screw up my scheduling and didn't end up with a physio appointment like I thought I did so I turned up today and wasn't supposed to.  I have been juggling this last couple of weeks around a little bit to fit all kinds of things in, so I guess it's no wonder that something had to go wrong somewhere along the line.  I am rebooked for Thursday at a later time to accommodate for my dentists appointment and all is pretty much the same as any other week. One hydro appointment and one physio appointment, so there should be absolutely no reason to be emotional about it.  Now that I am getting closer to the date, I'm finding myself focusing on the minutiae and getting overly emotionally vested maybe as a coping mechanism for everything else that is going on.  It's disconcerting as I think that I have been really positive about the whole experience.  As the 'most of the time' feeling, it's still positive, it's just that on most days since about mid last week there has been a moment where I have had what I would deem a disproportionate emotional reaction.

In a way it relates a little to the OCD with germs and general control issues over the insignificant that I have discussed in other posts.  I have identified the strange behaviour and yet can't stop it.  Maybe it's because I've not really determined what the exact underlying issue is so that I can deal with it.  I have come up with a number of possible explanations and not too many solutions (other than suck it and see).

On the surface, I suppose it is easier to focus on the little things rather than worry about the unknown.  I'd like to think that I'm ready for the process through finding the right health professionals, research and actual physical preparation but...  I still do worry that I might not have done enough to help avoid any possible complications or that I have done something that I shouldn't have done that may harm my recovery time.  It's mostly because in these situations you just can't control all of the outcomes.  All that you can do is the best you can or make the compromises that you can accept and move forward and deal with what comes next.  So given there are things I can't control, maybe I'm focused on the things that I can or believe that I should be and am affected when these little things end up beyond my control as well.

Stupidly it extends to whether I am going to get everything done before I go into hospital.  The stupid thing is that I am coming out of hospital again so I don't know why that's even a big deal.  It really shouldn't be, though it may just be the last few things that I maybe can control.

So while I'm starting to realise that maybe I don't have control of much in my world and one crutch of control that I have fallen back to many times in the past, I no longer have.  As my health has declined, I have been more reliant on others for lots of different things except for money.  It was an important source of self-esteem, mostly as to me it is still an indicator of being able to look after myself.   My work status has changed very recently and was part of the reason that we chose to do this now (as I have the freedom to focus on preparation and then rehabilitation as I'm not working full time).  Along with not working full-time, this is the first time in my adult life when I haven't been financially independent.  At the moment and for the next few months I will be just about completely financially reliant on someone else.  My husband has no issue with this, it's just me struggling to come to terms with letting go of that portion of control over my life. There are no sick leave benefits or other benefits that were due to be paid to me to fall back on as the company that I was working was destroyed by a selfish director (which given that I am probably still bitter about given the massive time investment that I'd made to this place over the last decade is once again a situation that I have had no control over), so I had the choice of clocking up the leave required somewhere else or making some positive changes now (there were other considerations - though this certainly was a factor).  I guess I didn't think about the emotional impact that the change in work situation would have and it really is extremely likely that it does play at least some part in my current responses to other events where things fall out of my control.   Maybe I was always a control freak, it just wasn't as obvious when there weren't periods of such massive change going on and as such the weird behaviour never really got to raise it's odd little head so often.  This could lead to the conclusion that maybe I just need to get over myself and get my act together :)

Oh crap, I just sneezed.  It's time to go and get a good sleep and hopefully wake up germ free in the morning.. I guess I'll save getting my act together for another day...