Pilates Shake Up

In addition to my regular pilates appointments, I've added two sessions with Julie.

All three have kicked up a notch.

I didn't know that I could have muscle pain like this without joint pain.  It's the most amazing thing ever.    This is going to change everything.  I'm not even sure how yet - but it will.

Trying Something New

This year has marked a number of big changes for me.

Last year didn't work for me and I went away at Christmas with a whole lot of homework to think about what I actually want from my life.  I came home with some ideas that I started to put into place when I came home.  I realised pretty quickly that the plan I started in the early weeks wasn't going work - I wasn't going to be personally happy - the things that were weighing me down would still be there and not much would have changed.

I had started the process last year.  Looking for something new in a lot of aspects of my life.  Part of that was how I was going to look after me.  I spoke to friends with chronic illnesses to see what was working for them.  I spoke to friends who'd been broken and were fixed and quizzed them.  I went to see everyone that they recommended.

I spent six months talking to a shrink.  I think it helped me for that moment.  Helped make sure that I didn't end up back in the darkness.  The panic attacks came back for a while. (I'm not sure if I've ever talked about that before - they were there in the beginning.  If I haven't talked about them - I will soon)  I ended up in hospital one night.  Very few people knew.  It was a shock to me - physical pain as a response to panic.  It was new and an indicator that I couldn't just keep it to myself and just 'suck it up'. The masks were starting to crack.  I'd schedule according to what I could cope with and I worked at night away from people so I could keep my mind busy and take time out when I needed it.  The fear of being found out was enough to hide the darkness.  The work was technical enough that it could hold my focus and I could hide in it.

I'm really good at masks.  I hold it in.  I don't like people to see weakness and I don't like being told what to do when I feel like this.  I know what to do, I'm not an idiot.  Knowing what to do and actually doing it are different.  People who have been here will know what I mean.  I didn't need someone to solve my problems.  I needed someone to help me understand my problems so that I could work out how to feel better.

It was the first step in looking for someone that I could talk to about what was coming next.  Facilitating me to work out what it is that I wanted when all I could figure out was what I didn't want.  I didn't go back after a while.

I guess I ended up learning more about me, and more about what I could do from business coaching.  I think a lot of that came from the person that I worked with.  The right things at the right time.  What I needed to take that next step.  What started with in this process isn't where I ended up.  I'm on a completely different path now.  It's a little scary out here - it's all new - but I'm gaining confidence that I can navigate this journey.  I'm sure that I'll make some mistakes as I continue to figure out what I want and need and adjust the journey.

On the work side, I'm winding down my business.  I've accepted a full time job.  I've already seen a massive reduction in hours.  The panic wakes me sometimes in the middle of the night with all of the things that I need to do that I didn't stay up half the night working on, but I'm becoming more accepting of the fact that I can't be everything to everyone and sometimes people will be disappointed when I say 'no'.  It's been a bit confronting too.  Spending more time in my own head.  That can't be good, right?  Probably not - but until I spend more time with myself without the work focus, I'll never figure anything out.

On the body side, I'm a regular at acupuncture and have started with my seat buddy's sister.   So far, she's the genius that has been claimed.  Her knowledge of ortho is amazing and she isn't afraid to use it to help me see continuous improvement.  I have some big goals and I'm pretty sure that she'll see me to them.    It gives me hope that there is more for me.  Even after all of the amazing results that I have - I've realised that there is more.  I do want to do more.  I want to try these things that I haven't done before that I've always said that I didn't want to do.

It's a new world out there and there is a lot to learn.

Random Meeting on a Plane

It turned out to be the next opportunity - the open door that I needed to walk through.

Last week I flew to Melbourne for a wedding.

I was going to leave work early and get there around 6pm so that I could meet up with some people for a few drinks.  Flights were ludicrously expensive as I'd left booking so late and I'd decided that I'd be better off to use my frequent flier miles and treat myself to a business class seat.

The week didn't quite go to plan and there was no way that I was going to make a 3pm flight.  It was just as well that I'd gotten the seat that I had, as a reschedule to a later departure was an easy one.  I survived the day of work and made my flight on time.

Settled into business class, my row mate arrived and settled in.  We both read until dinner.  At dinner we started to chat.  He was on his way to a conference in Melbourne for the fitness industry.  He and his family own a gym, not far from where I lived.  We talked about the industry and I commented that I didn't really fit into the traditional member mould and we discussed the difficulties that I had finding the right 'team' for me for this next stage of my progress.

Turns out his sister is in the game too....  apparently a rehab genius - physio and exercise.   Julie works between a clinic and the gym.  I thought about this for a while when I got home.  Figured that it was worth a shot - what did I have to lose.  I was ready to try something new, take that next leap.

I called the gym and got in contact with Julie.  She wasn't taking new patients - but because her brother recommended her, she was going to take me.

Next week I see her.  I'm hopeful, but not expecting too much.

Three Years Post-Op

Today I had my checkup with my surgeon.  I'm three years down the track and he's happy with my progress.  I don't have to go back for another two years now.

It's a great result.

It's a little weird though that something that has been so important in my life is now just a checkup every few years.  Physically it is the best possible outcome.  The journey though has taken me through some really tough times and at some level, fundamentally changed the way that I look at the world.

The main goal that I had going in was that I wanted the chronic, persistent pain to be gone.  As I read back over the blog posts, I'm sure there was more that I could say - for fear of failing.  So long as I got through and life was better than it was before - that would be a successful outcome.

And it is - and so much more.

The whole process has been a catalyst for major change in my life.

It's that turning point where I realised that there were people in my life who were only there because I could help them.  When it was my turn, they didn't like it and it caused all manner of grief.

I realised that I didn't have to live with pain.   Physical or otherwise.  While it's part of the human condition to have inner struggles, I don't think I accept my 'lot' in life as much as I used to.  I can do more - it's now my choice, I'm not as limited by these physical constraints that provided an excuse, a protection from the world.   I've struggled with depression - I've seen a few shrinks - sought out alternate therapies - found a new way.  There have been a few people in this journey who I will be forever grateful to.  They don't even know how important their role has been in sending me off in a new direction.  One day I might tell them - but for now - it's still my adventure.

All I can say is that the whole process was definitely worthwhile.  I've gotten my life back.  It's not the life I probably had planned - it could even be better.