Guarding my thoughts

Today I didn't make it into the office.

I made it as far as Physio and to one of the venues to pick up invoices and then I went home to start work on them.  I wasn't up to going in today.  I'm not sure if it was the thought of the chair and table that I am using until the person using my desk full time moves into their new office or whether it was inevitable questions explaining how the work I was doing actually fits into the grand scheme of the businesses' future plans that kept me away.  Perhaps it was a combination of both.  

I started off the day with a headache and it didn't really ease until later this afternoon.  My range measurements didn't improve this week either, so not only was there pain there was also general grumpiness and a little despair at the plateau that I've reached.

I've been thinking a lot about that plateau today and have started wondering whether I ever had greater hip flexion than that.  I'm currently at a passive range of eighty degrees but I'm not sure when it was ever better than that.  Maybe it hasn't been since I was a child.  In that case, it's going to take a hell of a lot more than three months worth of stretching to bring it back.  I guess because the abduction range came back immediately, I expected the rest to follow suit pretty quickly.  Under the guise of pain, there were a few tears at Physio today.  You can kind of get away with it when you have your head in the hole and it you are involuntarily jumping each time the pain is sharp.  It probably helps that I'm a girl too.  A little more socially acceptable.   Not that anyone would say anything negative, I'm sure that they would be a great support, it's more that I don't really want to share some of these thoughts.  Not until they've been processed and I can decide how I want to deal with them.  The crazy thing is that is probably the place where how I'm feeling would be understood the best.  

I think the abundance of people who ask but don't want to really know have made me a little more guarded about discussing it especially when I am having a bit of a tough day.  I read a blog a while ago about a girl that had a total hip and wrote a blog.  She stopped blogging when someone made a comment about how that was all she ever spoke about.  It feels like that is where people are at now with me but they just haven't said it yet.  The thing is that this thing is still the central point in my life at the moment.  My whole world revolves around my rehabilitation and the distance there is still to go.  I don't have the energy for too much more than that.  It might seem like I'm projecting that all is good but this doesn't mean that I'm ready to take on anything more than I am right now.  As it stands, I think that I might have too much and I'm not making enough time for all my exercises, that somehow I should be doing more of them.  I worry that this could be part of the reason that I've hit the plateau.  These are just more things that people don't want to know.

I don't know why I thought that this would be any different than talking about the arthritis.  I didn't talk about that too often because those who haven't dealt with it before don't understand living with a chronic condition.  This is an extension of that.  Just because I want to talk about this massive change in my life, doesn't mean that others aren't sick of hearing about it.  I'm thankful for those that have been through this process and those spoonies that can understand.  Even when I have finished rehab and life is better than it has ever been, I'll probably still want to talk about them.  I guess I'm going to have to find some new people to talk to.  Ones that are interested in resurfacing, replacements and MOM joints.  I guess there will always be a place for me at Surface Hippy.  I'll also be able to blog.  People can choose to read or not.  If they don't, well they don't need to hear my hip talk and the important changes that are going on in my life. 

In an attempt to feel like I have achieved something today, I've increased the time on the elliptical today to nine and a half minutes and 500 metres.  I'm not sure how that will treat me tomorrow but I really needed to increase and improve something today.  I feel ok so far so hopefully it will be ok.  If I'm doing well tomorrow, I might try to add another minute and a half.  

Aside from exercise and Physio, I had a little bit of work to do today, though nothing was time critical.  It was more getting a bit of a start on the work that needs to be done this week.  Tomorrow is the time critical day which I already have a good start on.  As for the rest of the week, I guess I will work out as it progresses.